The Worst Band Names of '06: The Final List

Regular blog readers may remember my mid-year tally of the worst band names we'd encountered, a glimpse of the year-end's definitive list of bad puns, clumsy imagery, and misappropriation of the word "funk." There are so many bands out there, and so many of them have bad names–and not just run-of-the-mill mediocrity like Real Lunch. I mean truly awful, what-were-they-thinking kinda names. Poofinger, anyone

I know a bad name when I see one. After all, in high school I played in a punk band called Schooled Stupid (which still makes me chuckle)–although we changed it to Cabal before settling on Casper for some reason. When I was 15, I was in a loose industrial-rock collective called 12 Inch Breath Mint, whose phallic undertones were lost on all of us. (As a friend's mom pointed out, "It's 12 inches, and you put it in your mouth.")

So, my bad-name recognition skills thus established, let's move on to this year's names, divided into two categories: worst band names (i.e., no redeeming value whatsoever, just sheer suckitude) and best worst band names (i.e., funny or otherwise charming). Let's begin scraping the barrel's bottom, shall we

WORST BAND NAMES

Gnarls Barkley

Danger Mouse and Cee-lo's innovative skills stopped short when it came time to choose a moniker.

Morningwood

Any cock-related name is a lay-up for the list, especially if it's boner-inspired. Morning boner Welcome to the list, y'all. While we're here, let's do some more genitalia-related names…

Rigor Phallus

What's this, Latin for erect penis It sounds terrible in any language.

Bonerama

Brutal Dildos

They have "Sorry mom" at the top of their MySpace page. Nice.

MC Vagina

Clit Ripper

Genital Hercules

The Poontang Wranglers

A name like that practically guarantees there'll be no poon to wrangle after the show. But at least they appear to be a joke band.

Papa Grows Funk

If you put "funk" in your name, you should be smacked. Although nothing may ever touch last year's Public Display Of Funk for sheer audacity in its terribleness. To wit…

Urban Funk Ordinance

Yes, let's pass one outlawing this band.

Bandits Of The Acoustic Revolution

Using the word "bandits," minus 5 points. "Revolution," another five. "Acoustic," minus 15. Using them together, minus 1,000 points. They sound like cousins of these guys:

Natives Of The New Dawn

and

Daughters Of The Sun

You can practically smell the patchouli from here. Ditto for these fückengrüven names…

Groovatron

Tye Dye Skye

National Ass Groovin' Association

Similarly, all pot-related names are bad no matter what, as the culture around marijuana couldn't be more inane:

Fahrenheit 420

Smokable Politics

Emo bands can always be counted on, too:

Cute Is What We Aim For

This Song Is A Mess And So Am I

Boys Like Girls

Heartwarmer

I haven't heard 'em, so they may not be emo, but they're kindred spirits regardless.

The Devil Wears Prada

Assuming these guys predate the Meryl Streep film of the same name, they still stole their title from a recent, popular book. It all but begs the studio, publisher, and Prada to file cease-and-desist orders. After that, expect TDWP to change their name slightly, like Green Jell-O did with Green Jelly, or Ritalin Kids with Riddlin' Kids. Maybe The Devil Wears Prahda

Curiosity Valentine

They play jazz, but still have an emo-ish name.

You know who else can be counted on for bad names Hardcore bands. One of the worst of all time–Gorilla Biscuits–even reunited for a tour this year. Their descendents:

Set Your Goals

They're heavily influenced by GB, from their music to their name: Set Your Goals was the title of GB frontman Civ's first album after the Biscuits. Even with that reference, it's still a dumb name. "Now touring the motivational speakers' circuit, Set Your Goals!"

Silence The Foe

"Of course we're heavy–don't you know our name is Silence The Foe"

And don't forget bad metal bands:

Figure H8

Sik Fuk

Stupid proper-name combinations:

Guns N'Rosa Parks

Osama Bin SARS

Tom Cruise Control

It's like an Us Weekly headline come to life!

And others:

The Delaware Stringasm

They even boast they made the earlier list on their MySpace page.

The Robocop Kraus

Down With Naked

Honkytonk Homeslice

Green Milk From The Planet Orange

X-Rated Porno Machine

Mood Syrup

Magic Gravy

Nitrous Foxide

The Axe That Chopped Down The Cherry Tree

Forth Yeer Freshman

BEST WORST BAND NAMES

Black-metal/grindcore/death-metal bands almost always have great names:

Fecal Corpse

Maggot Twat

They're a joke band, but that's still a brutal name.

Corpse Vomit

Forest Of Impaled

Bands whose names indicate issues with women:

16 Bitch Pile-Up

They're women, but the name still counts.

Wealthy Whore Entertainment

TwoDeadSluts OneGoodFuck

Lyin' Bitch & The Restraining Orders

When in doubt, use "fuck":

Holy Fuck

The Fucking Ocean

Total Fucking Blood

Jesus Fucking Christ

Fuck Start Your Face

Super Fucking Judo Flip

Check! Out! Our! Name!:

You Say Party! We Say Die!

Ambulance! Ambulance!

The Nina The Pinta!

Hollywood Holocaust!

Sh-Sh-Sh Shark Attack!!!

Loooooooooong is good:

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin

Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza

America's Meth Problem II

Bodies In The Gears Of The Apparatus

The Busiest Bankruptcy Lawyers In Minnesota

U.S. Pipe & The Balls Johnson Dance Machine

Underground Railroad To Candyland

A Scribe Amidst The Lions

They Will Use Your Bones For Tools

Dave Coulier & The Cut It Outs

Points for the goofy Full House reference, even though that show was terrible.

We Will Eat Rats To Survive

Mister And Misses Tribute To Ugliness

They misspell "missus," but whatever.

Said The Sun To The Girl

Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.

Arsonists Get All The Girls

David Copperfuck

Elvisbeatlesgod

Chupacobra

Knife Knife Gun

Americans UK

Laser In The Jungle

DraculaZombieUSA

Sexhawk

Simply funny:

The God Damn Doo Wop Band

Here Comes Old Vodka Tits

The Internet

You Ruined Christmas

Sorry About Your Couch

Jehovah's Shit List

Misc:

Instant Asshole

Awesome Snakes

Total B.S.

This sounds like a band started by Napoleon Dynamite–except it's a Bob Seger tribute band. Yikes.

The Dad In Common

Gay Beast

Au Revoir Simone

Points for the Pee Wee's Big Adventure reference.

And Now You Beg

Get Three Coffins Ready

So there you have it. Who knows what '07 has in store for us The list has already begun. The first entry The House That Gloria Vanderbilt. Ugh.