2014: The (belated) year in band names

December means a lot of things, but for The A.V. Club it means an onslaught of year-end features that require weeks of preparation and inevitably enrage people who think something deserved to be ranked higher or lower or not even in consideration. But there’s one year-end feature that unites people with disparate sensibilities: our annual look at the band names we encountered for the first time this year (or couldn’t remember seeing before). It’s one of our readers’ most anticipated yearly features, but last December came and went without it. What happened I was unavailable to write it, despite the massive list of contenders I accumulated over 2014. But things have changed, and it’d be a shame not to give a band like Bummers Eve its due. So here we are, four months late, but bursting with notable names. See you in eight months.

Sexy times

Shitfucker

Band description, per Bandcamp: “MANIAC BLACK METAL-PUNK FROM THE MOTOR CITY. UNCOMPROMISED EVIL AND SPELL FOR THE MOST DIS-SEMEN-ATING DIEHARD DEMONS!”

Bandcamp helpfully sells its 2013 album, Sucks Cocks In Hell, with a “send as gift” option, along with its 2014 tour “Virgin Killer” T-shirt. (“Slay all the virgin tail in your neighborhood!”)

Orjazm

The group has since wussed out and changed its name to The Oddio Trio, which admittedly suits its instrumental organ-jazz better. But the group didn’t go out before using this logo that probably lost the band some fans among the Christian right:

Flying Donkey Punch

Urban Dictionary claims a “flying donkey” is a phenomenon independent of the donkey punch, but it all sounds sketchy: “The male kneels on the surface of intercourse so he’s sitting on his heels,” it begins. Ah yes, the ever-popular position of kneeling on the surface of the intercourse.

Heavy Petty

At least two different Tom Petty tribute bands lay claim to this name, one from Lawrence, Kansas, and the other from Gainesville, Florida—Petty’s hometown—though the latter “is being shelved and the members are moving forward and working on different projects.”

Buttfucking Corpse

As of this writing, the group’s Facebook page has a sad nine likes. C’mon corpse-fuckers, show some enthusiasm!

Penises

My Penis Is Made Of Dogshit

The band lists about 20 releases on its Bandcamp page—which it divides into “FAKESHIT” (digital only) and “REALSHIT” (CD-Rs)—many of them themed around Satan’s right to choose: Satan Gets An Abortion, My Satanic Dream Ended (featuring “The Phone Call That Impregnated Me With Satan’s Child,” “Satan Lied When He Said He Would Love Me In My Unholy Anus For All Eternity”), Satan’s Pregnant Again (“Jesus Masturbates In The Closet With The Viscous Tears Of Martyred Saints”), and Santa Gets An Abortion: The Original Soundtrack To “Black Mass In The Snow” (where Santa gets devoured by Satan via “The Ceremony Is Fulfilled As Santa Is Consumed By Satan In A Quick Bite” and “Santa Is Digested By Satan Over A Million Years”). There’s also a greatest hits collection, a Ted Haggard-themed album called The Last Temptation Of Ted Haggard, and a one-second song called “The Unauthorized Autobiography Of Satan’s Aborted Fetus.” Oh, and the band covers Simply Red’s “Holding Back The Years.”

Just about all the song titles are winners: “Satan Wishes His Mother Would Shut The Fuck Up,” “I Castrate Satan In Post-Apocalyptic Florida,” “Theme From ‘Absolute Genocide,’” “Satan Uses Ebola-Flecked Anal Juice And Clear Sperm Runoff To Begin Baking A Cake,” and many more. Sensing a theme

Dick Diver

Flaccid Pickle

Bio: “We are Flaccid Pickle, a life of crunchiness we will never know. Glory, Wisdom, Strength, Courage, and Honor!”

Genitals

Hymen Holocaust

Songs: “Squirt Till It Hurts,” “My Load, Your Throat,” “Giant Tits/Swollen Clits,” “Innocent Till Proven Filthy,” “Discontinuation Of Hyperlactation.” Look for the new album Kissed By The Dead…Touched By The Deformed in May!

Amputated Genitals

Songs: “Vaginal Skin Grind Vomit,” “Sexual Experiences With Animals And My Mother’s Cadaver,” “My Father In Law Who Defecated Himself To Death.” The Genitals are Colombian, so their English lyrics go like this: “His hemorrhagic dengue is fermenting his guts” and “Intense diarrhea liters of shit gush / One bed with a big hole for his buffocks [sic].” (Those are, obviously, from the song about his father-in-law.)

Cunt Grinder

Songs: “Bowl Full Of Menstrual Blood,” “Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!,” “Fuck That Bitch,” “Raping Is Justice-Raping Is Law.” These Germans probably have thoughts on the ethics of video-game journalism.

Gonorrhea Pussy

Check out the group’s split with Necro Tampon, featuring songs like “Tampon Appetizer,” “Incest Contest,” “Exhumation Copulation,” and many more! Actually, don’t.

Fluids, bodily

BreastMilk

Piss Vortex

Necro Tampon

Fluids, bodily - puke

Xtra Vomit

Songs: “My Unique Motherfucking Fist,” “No Answers To Alcohol.”

Vomitface

Vomit Fist

“Vomit Fist is blackened grindcore for your guts and face,” per Google.

Songs: “Ass Hammer,” “Enter My Guts,” and “The Sacred Slut,” which isn’t about what you think: “Using Professor Lee Siegel’s recent raw translation of Kanha’s song, Bengal Blackie and the Sacred Slut, Vomit Fist offers an interpretation of the essential power and electric intensity demonstrated by the Buddhist Tantric Siddhas.”

Vomitoma

Pro tip: Don’t Google Image Search this one; just look for the group’s 2008 split with Sanguinary Nervous Spasm on Septic Aroma Of Reeking Stench records. If you’re looking for Hatefucked In A Hospital Dumpster, that’s on Utter Disgust Records.

Misc. anatomy

Well Hung Heart

Opening lines of “Bullshit”: “I’m calling out your bullshit / I’m calling out your bullshit, bitch.”

Rectal Hygienics

“I’m not afraid of some blood,” opens “Period Fuck,” and you can guess where it goes from there. Check out the full-length Even The Flies Won’t Touch You (the title taken from “Heroin Whore”), available on Depravity Label (“NO RESPECT. NO MORALS. NO TRUST.”)

Chainsaw To The Face

That’s pun-tertainment!

Menstrual Psycho

“We only play when our flows are synced so you can sink into our flows with ease,” says its bio. Sadly, the band has since broken up.

The Thrill Sergeants

Simply terrible

Savage Messiah

The Blessing Of This Curse

Love Crushed Velvet

“Channeling emotional turmoil through muscular, post punk aggression, the band shows off exceptional emotional and stylistic range in an album that has been compared to the rock and roll equivalent of a James Bond film: worldly, muscular, fully cognizant of the danger that lies underneath its smooth veneer and unafraid to show what’s behind the veil—on its own terms.”

F.R.E.E.

It stands for “Forever Radical Edifying and Exalting,” but it makes sense for a Christian act looking to “reach the hearts of youth and young adults who do not have a relationship with Christ and to elevate those who desire a closer walk with Him and for all to dwell in a life that’s 4Ever Free!”

Karma Darwin

Eyes Like Cyanide

“Eyes Like Cyanide stands at the crossroads of all things brutal,” begins the group’s bio. The Facebook page lists elcmusic.com for the band’s site, but that goes to the Eastlake Church’s music department: “People helping people find and follow Jesus by making loud noise.”

I Mustache You A Question

References to movies, TV shows, and books

They All Float

Ponyboy

A pair of artists claim Ponyboy, one an Americana singer-songwriter from East Nashville, the other a Hong Kong-based emo band with amusingly named members: Sexy Pecs Sung, Dr. Emo Jimmy, Drunkard Dixon, and Metal Peter. Guess which one is influenced by “grotesque movies with epic dialogues, plastic toys, human morbidities, marine biodiversity, and wave particle duality”

Milo & Otis

“Two dudes, one is a professional fake book writer and the other is a leprechaun farmer who’s a gambler.” Not to be confused with the Chicago soul duo by the same name.

Get Busy Living

Ice Nine Kills

Here’s a scene from American Psycho, overdubbed to look like Patrick Bateman is talking about Ice Nine Kills. Hilarious, guys!

Pat The Bunny

“Acoustic punk songs from the desert of Tucson, AZ about addiction, getting sober, and anarchism.”

Raiders Of The Lost Art

Not to be confused with the Ovation series of the same name or the Gainesville-based “direct importers of the finest quality crystals and mineral specimens since 1985,” or the Iowa Dixieland jazz band that’s operated under that name for nearly 30 years. This is a Chicago quartet that just released a concept album about the world of 12,1980 A.D. and drugs or something.

Marvin Berry & The New Sound

Et Tu Brucé

McLovins

I Got Worms

“New York’s preeminent Dumb And Dumber Original Motion Picture Soundtrack cover band,” per Brokelyn.

AC Slater

DJ who specializes in something called “Night Bass,” which blends “elements of house music with the dirty basslines of UK garage and sprinkles of old-school rave synths and breaks.” If that doesn’t make any sense, try Soundcloud.

Small Wonder

Genre: “thoughtful pop.” Band Interests: “having a heart of gold, friendship.” Its song “Ball Lightning” is sadly not a Rocket From The Crypt cover (but it’s good).

Nightbitch

References to other bands

Texas Never Whispers

Bio: “Austin’s Texas Never Whispers is a southern, independent rock band made up of romantics. They just can’t help it.”

Jawbreaker Reunion

This is like calling your band Free Beer and deceiving sensitive ’90s punks instead of frat boys. (Check out the group’s interview with Noisey.)

Celebrities

Black Cobain

Lindsay Lowend

Jeremy Irons & The Ratgang Malibus

Bio: “It’s like finding an interstellar sound portal to a hidden space desert, that only can be seen and heard through a kaleidoscope, which is blessed by a spiritual shaman from Saturn.”

Doubting Thomas Cruise Control

Doprah

“Genre: A sinister and evil cult which lures young people into drug-taking.”

DONVLDKRUNK

This logo makes it seem like Donald Duck (or Scrooge McDuck) reference, but doesn’t it sound more like Donald Trump Or does it just work on that many levels

Tiny Danza

Bio: “Much like the product of a dove making love to a supernova, Tiny Danza has both rhythmic purity and tonal tenacity. On the evening of July 1st 2006 there was a horrible accident involving Tony Danza, a tiny dancer and a rogue particle accelerator. The result was five musicians with three things on their minds: Fast cars, Faster women and Revenge.”

Brat Pit

Jamz Franco

Olivia Neutron-John

xTom Hanx

Posers From Space has 18 songs, most of them about 20 seconds long, like “You Gotta Come To My House, I’m Building A Fucking Robot” and “Van Halen, Not Van Hagar.” “I’d Clap, But I Have A Beer In Each Hand” clocks in at 40 seconds.

Facebook post from March 25: “We have almost 10,000 plays on bandcamp…if I’m being honest, you guys are dumb for listening to our shitty songs that much.”

Elvis Depressedly

Teds Dancin

Brands

General Motors

Bummers Eve

Songs: “No Weed No Friends No Life,” “Butterface.”

When in doubt, add exclamation points!!!!!

Bearcubbin’!

Song: “Good Job, Fat Dracula!”

Louisahhh!!!

Galapagos Now!

Diagnosis Bastard!

Bio: “Fast, spastic, screaming hardcore shite made by two Brits, one Swede and one Brazilian.”

Bitches, sluts, etc.

Couch Slut

The Slut Junkies

Sluts 4 Fun

SlutHammer

Here’s a video for the self-explanatory “RoadHead”:

What hath you wrought, Nathan

Manic Pixi

Historical figures

Antarctigo Vespucci

Eli Whitney And The Sound Machine

Songs: “The Zebra Shirt Of Depressive Twenty-Nothings,” “My Response To A Stephen Jerzak Concert”

These names are very serious

To Set Ablaze

Dismembered Carnage

There’s a highly entertaining nine-minute interview from last fall with guitarist Joey Marks and the group’s (now former) drummer Kyle Wallinger that’s a descendent of Heavy Metal Parking Lot. Marks offers this preview of the album they’re recording: “It’s a lot more evil, it’s a lot more death-metal-oriented, it’s a lot of fucking evil, satanic, fucking mind-fuckin’ rape stuff, man. It’s killer, dude. You’ll fuckin’ like it if you’re into old-school shit, unless you’re a fuckin’ poser, then you’re not gonna like it.” Deadpans Wallinger, “I don’t like it.”

What’s on the new album Marks is glad you asked: “We’re rerecording a lot of old songs that we like and a lot of fans like, ‘Walking Autopsy,’ ‘Curbstomped,’ ‘Horrid Sounds Of Pig Impalment,’ and everybody’s favorite, fuckin’ ‘Rape The Priest.’ And yeah, we got a lot of new shit, man. ‘Sacrilegious Mindfuck,’ ‘Consume The Flesh Of Christ,’ ‘Aborted In Blasphemy,’ one of my favorites, ‘Morbid Molestation,’ and, uh fuck, dude, some evil shit, some ‘Denial Of Christ’ and ‘Split Open The Pope.’”

Of Ardent Resolve

Agents Of Abhorrence

Martyr Defiled

Symphony Of Malice

NOLTTRS/SPCES

JPNSGRLS

Carcrashlander

Badbadnotgood

TWRK

RBTS WIN

Gay stuff

Gay Kiss

Gäy

Nudity

Naked Hugs

Bio: “Once upon a time a naked person hugged another naked person, and it was mutual, and it felt really really nice.”

Topless America

Facebook URL: facebook.com/AbsentGarments

Secret Nudist Friends

No.

Hawt Me$$

Loooooonnnnnngggggg

Begravningsentreprenörerna

Swedish for “funeral directors.”

Teen Girl Scientist Monthly

The Sounds That Machines Make

The Adventures Of The Silver Spaceman

A Place Both Wonderful And Strange

Also seems to go by the name A Place Both Beautiful And Strange, which is a Twin Peaks reference.

Free Cake For Every Creature

Even The Dead Love A Parade

From the bio: “As artists, music is a strong form of expression, which is why we jump at the chance to create in as many fascists [sic] as possible that help us express.”

King Calo Destroyer Of Ships

The group called it quits last month. RIP.

The Committee To Re-Elect John C. Calhoun

Spirits And The Melchizedek Children

Genre, per Facebook: “SHOEGAZE DUALITY!!! Soft and sweet, Heavy and Brutal…EXPAND YOUR BODY AND MIND THOUGH MEANS of SELF DISCOVERY”

Music is counter-revolutionary, comrade

The Collected Works Of Lenin

Stalins Of Sound

Last year’s Tank Tracks was released on a special day: “MAY 18 RELEASE DATE TO COINCIDE WITH THE ANNIVERSARY OF SHAWN NELSON’S TANK THEFT, RAMPAGING THROUGH THE STREETS OF SAN DIEGO ON MAY 18, 1995!”

Religious

Holy Esque

Pet The Preacher

The Virginmarys

Bio: “In a world crying out for a band with substance, The Virginmarys could well prove to be the answer to all our prayers.” Kinda on the nose, no

Dead In The Manger

Bio: “Dead In The Manger play music with the intention of leaving a feeling of unease and despondency.”

Amen Dunes

Lord Dying

“Blood trickles under / The softest embrace / You understand me like no one I know.” What’s the title of this sweet love song “Suckling At The Teat Of A She-Beast.”

Mormon Toasterhead

Wrathprayer

Album: The Sun Of Moloch: The Sublimation Of Sulphur’s Essence Which Spawned Death And Life

Diabolical Messiah

Pontius Pilate Sales Pitch

Diet Jesus

Lucifers Limited Company LLC

Satan’s Revenge On Mankind

Appearing on 2009’s Supreme Malicious Necro Terror: “Where Blood And Vomit Flow In Streams,” “Submit To Satan,” and, uh, “Support Your Local Butcher.” (Maybe the group’s members are locavores) Check out its three-way split album (sorry, “3-Way Penetration”) with Cuntgrinder and Hymen Holocaust. You know, that’s the one that has “Suck Satan’s Goat Cock” on it.

_________ and __________

Young And In The Way

From 2011’s Popeye-defying I Am Not What I Am: “They Should Greet Me With Howls Of Execration,” “And We Have Killed Him.”

Weird And Pissed Off

The Harpoonist & The Axe Murderer

King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard

Cornelius Asperger And The Bi-Curious Unicorns

Opening line of “If Only”: “If only I’d been born with a bigger dick.”

First person

I Am Heresy

The band’s motto: “The death of god is the birth of human potential.” It has since gone on an indefinite hiatus, so maybe the death of I Am Heresy is the birth of its members’ potential.

I Woke Up Early For My Funeral

What does that name mean IWUEFMF’s Facebook page is straight from a dorm-room philosopher: “a saying, a motto, a creed to live by. We all travel different roads only to lead us to the same destination, a funeral. In life we are given a death sentence but how will we choose to live it”

We Have The Place Surrounded

It looks like this Chilean band—or per its bio, “una banda de rock independiente de Viña del Mar”—has since shortened its name to the much more generic The Place. What was Tenemos El Lugar Rodeado is now El Lugar. Qué vergüenza.

We Met Tomorrow

Winner, Least Proportional Bio-Length-To-Musical-Output Ratio: This Swedish band has two EPs—for a total of eight songs—to its name, but has a preposterously long and hyperbolic biography. “We Met Tomorrow is the most unique, familiar, different and universally appealing band you have never heard of – yet – but that will be different, tomorrow!” Most unique yet familiar! Different yet universally appealing!

More: “In the beginning there was no rhythm section which after a while made the trio feel that they lacked a little bit of punch.” Maybe that sounds less obvious in their native tongue

Let’s Be Slayers

Yes, every band should strive to be Slayer. Oh wait, did you say slayers Never mind.

We Used To Be Neighbors

Winner, Band Name That Also Serves As Bio, though the group has since called it quits.

Directives

Save Your Breath

Yell For Help

The L.A. duo’s Schlep Rock mixtape should not be confused with Schleprock, the ’90s punk band from the Bay Area. Or the Pebbles And Bamm-Bamm Show character.

Hang The Bastard

This British group was “a band on the rocks” after the departure of its longtime vocalist and unsuccessful attempts to find a replacement. But once that got settled, its members developed “a strong creative dynamic, which has allowed us to write the album we have always wanted to write. Out of such adversity a phoenix as risen in the form of this full length.” Its title Sex In The Seventh Circle.

Count This Penny

Hey Girl Slow Down

Catapult The Propaganda

It’s a W reference. Who knew

Collapse Under The Empire

This is what they call “not search-engine optimized”

No

X_____X

Department of Portmanteaus

Bipolaroid

Brentalfloss

This guy adds lyrics to songs from classic video games, like “Super Mario Land 2 With Lyrics.”

Giraffage

The Telecommunists

“We are a progressive metal band. We think outside the box and do not adhere to the conventions of popular music.”

Animals

Pig Heart Transplant

Winner, Least Ominous Metal Song Title: “I Video Tape Your Diet”

Message To Bears

A Pony Named Olga

What are this German band’s live performances like “It’s a show you will want to crucify yourself if you miss,” says its bio.

Quaker City Night Hawks

Lazer/Wulf

Band description: “To put it another way; imagine a giant trampoline rigged to explode. It’s fun for everybody, but likely to kill you at any moment.”

French For Rabbits

Flamingo Nosebleed

“We hate hippies, emo/hardcore kids, and Oprah Winfrey. We like fast 3 chord punk rock.”

Wombat In Combat

“New York City’s finest Bike Core band”

Unicorn Harvest

“We started after watching This Is Spinal Tap and this part of our bio is not a joke.”

Japanda

The first Google result for this band is for something called furaffinity.net, described in its Twitter bio as “the world’s largest furry community with over 750,000 users!”

Two artists claim the name: One is a band that describes itself as “Japanda is a banda with a planda and a garbage canda,” and the other is whatever this is:

Squirrels From Hell

“Look, if you’re not calling with work, don’t call. We’ve got a lot on our minds, with negotiating international distribution deals, merchandise licensing, and trying to stay up-to-date on industry gossip. Plus we usually have headaches from all the effort we put into writing and rehearsing. Not to mention privacy concerns. Office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3PM to 6PM, unless we have another court date or counseling session. Best bet: leave a message. And try to make it more creative than just ‘you suck.’”

Tyrannosaurus Zebra

“The only dino-zebra band that matters…” Album: The Shape Of Lunch To Come.

Agenda Of Swine

From 2008’s Waves Of Human Suffering: “Stains Of Accountability,” “Anatomy Of Social Issues: Problem + Contribution Vs. Solution,” “Eradication Of The Seeds Of Purity,” “Devouring The Residual Bile.” To quote Jen Kirkman, Agenda Of Swine seems fun.

Massacres, slaughters, and more

Logistic Slaughter

How many of these band logos can you make out Logistic Slaughter’s in there somewhere—oh, found it! Top row, second from the right.

Dandelion Massacre

Check out 2013’s Sorry We Haven’t Released Anything In 2013 Yet, We’ve Been Lazy. So We Put This Piece Of Shit E.P. Together. That was the follow-up to 2012’s This Machine Killed Woody Guthrie, which featured “I Think My Dentist Is Into S&M.”

Death Toll 80k

Check out Bringer Of Gore records for your Death Toll 80k needs.

Always with the funk

Bubonik Funk

Pastor Funkpleez

He’s mortal enemies with Reverend Skathanks.

Dysfunkshunal Familee

Xs or Zs

Classixx

The Doppelgangaz

Guitars N Bandanaz

Weather phenomena

Years Since The Storm

Hungry Cloud Darkening

Boom Said Thunder

Every Flavor Weather Machine

Cloud Becomes Your Hand

Cities

Vancouver Sleep Clinic

People’s Blues Of Richmond

The Brooklyn What

Planets & stuff

A Million Billion Dying Suns

“As the million billion suns die, they coalesce into one singular form of energy, before they explode into super nova. It is the vanishing point, where you and me don’t matter, but we do. And so do you. Yes You. We are all Dying Suns, sewn into the same fabric. Endlessly dying, constantly living, in the pattern of the infinite universe.”

PlanetRAWK

Lilies On Mars

Is it ugly

So Hideous

Family members

Indestructible Grampas

From last year’s 1-800-MATTERS: “Modern Art Is A Flyswatter On My Dick,” “SpaGetty Lee”

Adult Mom

Stay At Home Dads

Sports

Wheelchair Sports Camp

It’s not just a catchy name: Frontwoman Kalyn Heffernan suffers from osteogenesis imperfecta and is confined to a wheelchair.

The Miami Dolphins

From Minneapolis.

(New England) Patriots

Fashion/clothes

Pants Velour

Breakfast In Fur

High Waisted

Misc.

Thug Entrancer

Sound Of A Smirk

Schwarz Dont Crack

Why Not Satellite

Hot Since 82

Minibus Pimps

Mime Game

Bio: “From the depths of the heart to the tunes in your stereo, we just want to get wild.”

Low Fat Getting High

Klogr

Per the band’s bio, it’s pronounced “Kay-log-are,” a reference to “the law of Weber-Fechner, developed in the second half of the 800s, which is known as the fundamental psycho-physical relationship (S = K log R).” It sounds more like a band of dudes who work at a grocery chain, though that would be Krogr.

Not Blood Paint

Fire Retarded

Sadly the song “Overrated Kayak” isn’t available on its Bandcamp page.

Kissing Is A Crime

Energy Slime

Harpoon Forever

SuperHunk

Maybe The Welders

Surf Rock Is Dead

Fake Cops (Real Trouble)

Inspired by Let’s Be Cops

Rude Cab Driver

Theatre Of The Ugly

Bio: “A desperate howling of maudlin balladry heard behind carnival tents—as if Thom Yorke and Tom Waits got drunk together and shared their nightmares.”

Angelface/Headcase

4 Aspirin Morning

Turbo Goth

It’s a Paul F. Tompkins bit come to life!

Tall White Asian Girl

The Wet Secrets

This name somehow feels grosser than Cuntgrinder.

Trance Farmers

Dirt Wizard

Also a type of tire offered by Surly Bikes.

Psych Psweat

Nerds In Denial

Drunken Foreigner Band

Great Good Fine Ok

Death Has No Dominion

Dialogue From A Silent Film

Crystal Methodist

Gorgonized Dorks

Find this band’s stuff on Splatterfuck Tapes, Shit Stain Records, Sonic Arse Tapes, Smell The Stench, Bringer Of Gore, TRASHFUCK Records, and, um, Rainbow Bridge.

1-800-BAND