And, of course, Anal Trump: The year in band names 2017

As the year draws to a close and a weary world takes stock of the past 12 months, let us distract ourselves from the whirling sea of shit we continue to endure with a frivolous list of goofy band names. Because just as the sun rises and sets every day no matter what, creative people will always start bands with questionable names. I took a solemn oath in 2005 to compile them in a continually updated Evernote.

Eleven years in, the standard caveats remain: These aren’t necessarily bands that formed in the past year, but bands I encountered for the first time. Inclusion on the list isn’t a slight against the band’s music, but it’s not an endorsement, either. I generally exclude bands that are pushing a decade or more old, but I make the occasional exception.

Finally, some 2017 names came from commenter recommendations last year, so thank you for those. And now, cue up “Pomp And Circumstance,” for it is time to present the class of 2017.

Animals

Owwwls

Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Its Twitter and Instagram usernames are “RKSBandOfficial.” THERE IS NO HIDING FROM YOUR NAME, DUDES.

Whispers Of The Sparrows
 

Dying Whale

Tracks from this year’s Last Moments Of Misery: “Black Sky Absorbs You In,” “Thorn Sized Wounds,” “The Tear Between Life And Love,” “Dreading My Exclusion.” That whale is a real mope.

Sloth Herder

Genre: “Power-slob.” Band interests: “abandon pop sensibility” (also the name of Sloth Herder’s 2012 EP). Perhaps you best know the band from its 2014 split with Horde Of The Eclipse

Guilty Giraffe

Penguin Prison

Wolverine Carcass

If you were unable to snag a copy of its 2008 split with Fuck, The Retarded Girl, you’ll be happy to know “Cum Shitters Volume 2” is available on The Necessary Archive via Bandcamp. Before you ask: Yes, it also has “To Hell With The Devil (Satan’s Cornhole Remix).”

Rat Columns

Sadly, “Do You Remember Real Pain” is not at all metal.

We Were Sharks

“Based in Ottawa and collecting members from the far reaches of Eastern Canada, We Were Sharks continue to wield the full-force of Canadian alternative music.” Whoa, the full force

Those Lavender Whales

If you think a band calling itself Those Lavender Whales would also have a song called “The Arms Of A Loving Community Around An Undeserving Individual,” you’re pretty perceptive. “A Loose Interpretation Of Something Augustine Of Hippo May Have Once Said” is available on 2012’s Tomahawk Of Praise.

Mouse Sucks

Dum Cheeta

Well, what would you call your Def Leppard tribute band

Pigeons Playing Ping Pong

Free Salamander Exhibit

Common Deer

Not to be confused with the Vermont-based company that showcases “goods from craftsmen and companies that are creating quality products and driving our economy forward from the ground up.” (From the look of their website, the economy will be driven by Vermont-related tchotchkes.) Common Deer the band hails from Toronto and has an exceptionally flowery bio:

Some artists want to shine a light in the darkness. Common Deer come with an arsenal of floodlights. Music is a balm in anxious, isolated times. In the hands of this powerful Toronto quintet, it’s a vessel of uplift, a call for camaraderie, an act of resistance against jaded nihilism.

Necrolytic Goat Converter

Bio: “Started as a joke band name crowd-sourced on Facebook, then turned into something else: therapy through music. Thanks for checking out one man working through his personal demons, badly, through the music that he loves.” Way to spoil the fun of saying something snarky, NGC.

Thumpasaurus

The video for “You Are So Pretty” collects a bunch of photos of Jennifer Lawrence and disses Bradley Cooper (Words like “Loser” and “Idiot” float around his photo, with “Bradley Cooper doesn’t wash” in the lower right.)

Beard The Lion

Coma Pony

Dogs In Stereo

EP: I Peaked In ’07. Not to be confused with Stereo Dogs, a group of high schoolers in Alabama that plays poppy rock.

Petheaven

Petheaven seems like a particularly treacly name for a pet cemetery, but there are at least two of them. Petheaven the band, a duo from Oakland, has an upcoming album called I Will Choose How I Die. It’s due out December 8, just in time for the holiday shopping season!

Treasure Mammal

Swimming With Bears

Bird Concerns

Sure, you can call your song/EP “Is This Really Love”, but all it’s going to do is get Whitesnake stuck in my head.

Flamingosis

Juice Jackal

Movies About Animals

Butterfly Corpse

“Sound that will find a home with a wide variety of listeners,” raves something called GoHotShark.com.

Lily On The Horn Horse

Springtime Carnivore

The Cretin’s Cattle

Bio excerpt: “It is utterly impossible to get a grasp of or compare what these age divergent musicians do on the stage and in their recordings.” Sure, you can hear it, but don’t even bother trying to grasp, with your feeble mind, what is happening. IT’S TOO ADVANCED. Or, uh, “Ain’t Nobody Drinking Whiskey” sounds a lot like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

Bigfoot

Sasquatch Turf War 

Song: “I’ll Stop The World And Melt Your Face”

Assquatch

It’s hard to say if this L.A. band is full of Magic The Gathering fans, or if they just like a good pun.

Year of the snake

Thorcraft Cobra

Hortlax Cobra

The band presumably takes its name from Hortlax, Sweden, birthplace of sole member John Eriksson (of Peter Björn And John fame). Considering cobras live in hot, tropical areas, and the warmest it gets in Hortlax is about 60 degrees in July, maybe “Hortlax Cobra” is slang for “dead snake.”

Moat Cobra

Local bands tend to pad out their bios with inessential information about lineup changes. Behold, the apotheosis: “The band was formed and solidified in the summer of 2013. The original bass player moved out of the country and the band continued as a three piece and started playing shows for a year without a bass player which led to finding their current bass player. After another year the band split from the original drummer and found a replacement which is their current drummer.” Fascinating!

In The Company Of Serpents

The Denver doom-metal duo may be the only band on this list that paid for the recording of its demo with “AR-15 Ammunition and beer.” Metal!

References, proper names

Anal Trump

Bio: “We know what’s best for you and this country because shut up.” Releases: To All The Broads I’ve Nailed Before; If You Thought Six Million Jews Was A Lot Of People, You Should’ve Seen My Inauguration; That Makes Me Smart!; If You Wanted To Qualify For Better Health Insurance, Then Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Gotten Raped; and the holiday classic-in-the-making, Make America Say Merry Christmas Again.

Dolly Spartans

Pool Cosby

Desmond And The Tutus

Swet Shop Boys

Bear Grillz

Donna Bummer

Two bands claim this admittedly obvious-in-retrospect moniker, one from Burlington, Massachusetts, and another from L.A. Both released music in 2015, but the latter pulled off a full-length, and the Mass. guys only did a song. But they their band interests are better: “bathing in the tears of enemies, getting forcibly removed from a local TGI Friday’s, zunes.”

Hold On, Caulfield

MC Bin Laden

The Brazilian MC has been denied a visa to perform in the U.S. at least twice. Don’t get your hopes up, either, MC Mohammed Atta.

Jackie Chain

Sally Draper

Meth Leppard

Tracks featured on this year’s Meth Leppard Discography: 2015-2017: “Homophobic Nosebleed,” “My Hardcore Is More Hardcore Than Your Hardcore,” “Corporate Crust Fund.”

Harvey Pekar

The band filmed a video for “God Damn All Gentlemen” at a comic-book store, naturally.

Tonya Harding

Again, two bands claim to the newly relevant name of America’s most infamous figure skater: some dudes in Arizona interested in “star wars, roller coasters and aggressive inline skating,” and a duo from NYC that practices in the basement of a hospital. Only the latter has an album called Punk Is Dad featuring songs like “Gov’t Funded Army Of Sluts” and “Kim Gordon Hearts Whoever.” Advantage: New Yorkers.

Guns N’ Hoses

Best Tribute Band of 2014, according to The Village Voice! The all-lady GNR tribute features members Axl Hose, Gash, Lizzy Straddlin’, Stevie Rattler, and Muff McKegan. Guns N’ Hoses is also the name of a decidedly less sexy 5K run/walk in Chicago and a charity boxing event in St. Louis. How versatile!

Virginia Woof

Why yes, this is also the name of a “dog daycare” in—wait for it—Portland. Virginia Woof the band has an EP with song titles like “For God’s Chosen Vegans” and “I Cried When The Sun Said Hello To The Sea As If They Were Strangers Meeting For The First Time.”

Sob Dylan

Several artists claim this also-obvious-in-retrospect name: a rapper who has a song called “Small Coffins For Troubled Teens” (produced by Goth Fieri), a Virginia folk-rock group (EP: I Was Told I Sound Like Mac Demarco So I Recorded A Bunch Of Songs On My Phone And Now I Want To Delete Them So Here Are A Few), and a singer-songwriter from Olympia, Washington, who had this to say about his album, Boi Bizkit:

This album is February. Things are dead n dark. U can’t leave your room. It’s okay to not leave. You gotta know yourself and love on U. Be thankful 4 the good onez and the people passing this way and that. Be honest with yourself and others. Accept the sad and accept the dark accept those who harm you and accept those who love you. there’s no one right way to do anything. I’ll always be your boi bizkit

San Holo

Forest Grump

Palm Springsteen

Grateful Shred

Shred Flintstone

Cuz Lightyear

Clownvis Presley

The name says it all: an Elvis impersonator in clown makeup who writes songs like “Barack O’s Tacos” (“Taste the change!”) and the Christmas-themed “Jesus Christ Eatin’ On A Chicken Wing.”

Helen Kelter Skelter

Fat Lizzy

One is, naturally, a Thin Lizzy tribute band whose name may also reflect its members’ BMIs. Another is an adolescent punk band from Northern California that cites Slipknot and Green Day as influences.

Mac Sabbath

Getting high concept here: a bunch of dudes dressed like McDonald’s characters playing Black Sabbath parody songs about fast food. They call it “drive-thru metal.”

Ghost Of Paul Revere

The Boston Globe article quoted at the top of the band’s “about” page manages to cram a whole lot of NOPE in a small amount of space: “Mumford & Sons meet the Avett Brothers with a twist of bluegrass. Old Crow Medicine Show with three-part harmonies. The Band for millennials…”

Charles Bronson And The Sundance Kid

Tart Vandelay

Stiff Middle Fingers

References, pop culture

Perfect Strangers

One boasts that it’s “Berks County’s premier party band,” another appears to be a cover band of middle-aged dudes in Florida, and still another is a Montreal-based funk band that has a song called “1 877 GET ON DOWN.” (Funky phone numbers apparently get extra digits.)

Snowball II

All Our Exes Live In Texas

But the band lives in Australia, so it works out.

The Island Of Misfit Toys

Texas Toast Chainsaw Massacre

Sorry, nothing will top Texas Chainstore Manager (from last year’s list). But “Busey Up Your Ass” is a rad song title.

Gouge Away

Thelma And The Sleaze

Soul Glo

The name presumably comes from Coming To America, but this Philly hardcore band is not fucking around, judging by songs like “Violence Against Black Women Goes Largely Unreported” and the Minor Threat rejoinder “Guilty Of Being Wait.”

Bane’s World

Guiding Light

Not to be confused with the acoustic quartet from the made-up-sounding town of Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia.

Laces Out

Too many Ace Ventura: Pet Detective fans, not enough references to go around: A Portland, Maine, band claims this name, as does a cover band from Pennsylvania, and a podcast affiliated with Barstool Sports, so hard pass.

(Current follower count: 21)

Sailor Poon

“Eat me out / Buy me shoes / Make me come / And then please leave!”

Lukabrazi

A bunch of bands have claimed the Godfather character (spelled Luca Brasi) for their name, so maybe that’s why this NYC group changed the spelling and made it one word. Album title suggestion: Sleepswiththefishes.

Charlie Bit My Finger

No surprise that a band named after a viral video describes itself as “Belgian Party Punk-Rock” and has an album called Third Time’s A Farm.

Deep Throat Choir

Fragile Rock

An “emo puppet band” from Austin. Can we agree Austin is no longer in danger of losing its weirdness

Babewatch

Bokonon

The 14th Book of Bokonon is entitled “What Can A Thoughtful Man Hope For Mankind On Earth, Given The Experience Of The Past Million Years” The only word in the book: “Nothing.” Man, Cat’s Cradle is great. Oh, uh, this band is from L.A.

Babeo Baggins

SomeKindaWonderful

Oscar Bait

Songs by this “Midwest Bubblegum Dad Beer Hardcore” band: “Lars, Metallica Here,” “Let Me Show You A Hot Stunt.”

The Spirit Of The Beehive

Víctor Erice’s 1973 film The Spirit Of The Beehive is a subtle meditation on the forces that drive us, and as our Noel Murray put it, nudges “adult viewers back to a childlike state, watching in awe, faintly confused and thoroughly beguiled.” The band The Spirit Of The Beehive has an album called Pleasure Suck.

Rat Fancy

Don’t confuse this L.A. band that “serves up heavy doses of twee punk” with the American Fancy Rat & Mouse Association, which exists “to promote and encourage the breeding and exhibition of fancy rats and mice.” Check its official rat standard designations before bringing your rat to a competition!

Mayflower Madame 

The Sea The Sea

This New York State duo presumably takes its name from Iris Murdoch’s novel, or maybe “The Graveyard By The Sea,” the poem that gave Murdoch’s book its name. Regardless, who’s saying that that MFA was a waste of time now, huh

Die Die My Darling

A bunch of variously punctuated bands claim this name, either as fans of the trashy 1965 film Die! Die! My Darling or the Misfits (who were fans of the film). There’s an NYC duo that may or may not exist anymore that follows the movie’s punctuation, a Misfits tribute band that doesn’t like exclamation points, and a French group that splits the difference with Die! Die! My Darling.

Brand names

US Weekly 

Expect lots of fawning songs about Ivanka Trump now that American Media has purchased the band.

Mr Sanka

Honnda

Thigh Master

Count Vaseline

Jerkagram

The band released an EP in 2014 called Tired Old Horseshit, but 2015’s Let’s Talk About Us features a song called “If You Stab A Man In The Dead Of Winter, Steam Will Rise From The Wound.”

DJ General Mealz

Story: “ITS NOT THAT CEREAL…ITS THAT HOT MIXTAPE MATERIAL!!!!!!” It’s probably not the same guy, but WeddingWire.com also features a DJ General Mealz, who offers a disco ball, sound/PA system, and microphones for $650. Throw down $300 more and you get all of that and a consultation, karaoke, and MC!

First person

I’m Glad It’s You

I’m With Her

Don’t expect any tours with Feel The Bern.

We Ride On

We Were Black Clouds

Apparently they had to change their name from Black Clouds, but We Were Black Clouds is way better anyway. Also, they have a (great) song called “Santorum Sunday School.”

I Am The Polish Army

Luckily I’m The Hunter

When We Was Kids

When We Team Up

Song: “No, Dude It IS Cool”

Someone Who Isn’t Me

We Bless This Mess

We The Heathens

Second person

You’ll Never Get To Heaven

Terribly Yours

Song description: “‘Barbara’ imagines an ABBA demo produced by Brian Eno before it was scrapped due to band conflict. Bjorn was into Brian, but Benny couldn’t deal with the droning synthesizers. ‘Fuck you guys there’s 8 synths playing a C-note through the whole song!’ Ani Fridd couldn’t careless [sic] but loved the track title, ‘Barbara!’”

Are you glad

Damn Glad

INGREDIENTS: High energy and personality is DG’s formula for putting on a show worth mentioning. The driving guitars, infectious grooves and memorable melodies/harmonies distinguish their sound as a power trio keeping it real.

When will other power trios finally learn to keep it real!

No

Wicca Phase Springs Eternal

Killin H8

It sounds like if a combination of Saul Williams and Gift of Gab made twin babies with a combination of Queen Latifah and Sarah Silverman, and those babies grew up listening to De La Soul (which such babies probably would anyway).

Mostly it sounds like trying way too hard.

Water From Your Eyes

Band interests: “america (the band), crying, ghouls”

FlirtClub

Make sure to search “FlirtClub band” and not just “Flirtclub,” unless you want a bunch of results linked to “the most exclusive international swingers club couples-only of Italy.” (Among the house rules: No sex in the pool. “However, there are many other convenient locations, clean and intriguing where to do… even around the pool;)” Regarding dress code: “In general, men are always elegant, and woman are sexy and elegant with high heels. What to see major and important details on how to dress to be in tune with the club, in the section dress code.”) Anyway, the band is from Brooklyn.

Like Innocent Times

Too Close To Touch

Flesh Desperate

Daydream Time Machine

Why use S when Z looks so bitchin’

The Moonlandingz

Mansionz

Winner, Most Subtweety Twitter Feed:

Too Many Zooz

Grabbitz

The Banddroidz

Hippie shit

Vinegar Mother

Hippie Sabotage

Old Fashioned Bleeding Hearts

While that sounds like a name for a band of aging liberals, Old-Fashioned Bleeding Hearts are a type of flower (dicenta spectabilis). “What a sturdy little root,” raves Ellen on the Gurney’s Seed & Nursery Co. website.

Mellow Harsher

Corn Potato String Band

Trying very hard

Abhorrent Decimation

About: “THERE IS NO BAPTISM, ONLY BURIAL.”

Soaked In Disillusion

Bio: “Anxiety ridden.”

Slaughter To Prevail

Why yes, Slaughter To Prevail weed grinders are available to purchase.

Deflowered Cunt

You can always count on grindcore bands for cartoonish silliness, as seen on its split with Sedem Minut Strachu: Although its Bandcamp just groups DC’s material into “59 songs,” the titles include “Voices Tell Me I’m The Shit,” “Agent Apple Knows How To Ride A Llama,” “Years Of The Experience And The Fact That I Have No Skin,” “With Veins Like That I’d Have Me A Real Time,” “That Uncle Who Touched You Once When You Were 34,” “Vericose Veins Are On Fleek,” and, naturally, “Of Course I Don’t Have Any Friends.” Note: Bollocks Deep In Forbidden Meat, Deflowered Cunt’s split with Scratch It Until It Bleeds, was limited to nine copies.

Llllloooooonnnnnnnngggggggg

Sabrina Is Not In This Chat

As featured in the Urban Outfitters blog! Note: Urban Outfitters has a blog.

Gary With A Circle Around The A

“The sound can only be described as Car Salesman Proto-Punk” raves () Pork.

The Controversial New ‘Skinny Pill’

Randy’s Got A Playdough Face

Album: My Father Used To Make Sand Sculptures

The New York Review Of Cocksucking

Little Timmy McFarland Of Flight 19

From The Gospel Of Daniel:

God is sending His Son to Save Los Angeles Angels of the World from a (Flood) that is coming in AFTER 7-7-2017.

I AM the Prophet of Los Angeles for to save Lifes of the World is Number One. Second is Region. Life is more Important because without Life you don’t have Region.

God and Jesus Christ coming to Save (Us) from the (Water) that will kill Mils of People of Angels of the World in 7-7-2017 at Night for Jesus Father will send His Son to clean the Holes of Beaches of World. Only to last (10) Years only.

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever

Robot Parts For Broken Hearts

EP: The Album Formerly Known As Shrug Emoji

The Good Luck Thrift Store Outfit

Anonymous {And.On.I.Must}

The Seven Fields Of Aphelion

Shrine For The Black Madonna

About: “Celebrating the QUEEN OF TRANSCENDENT BLACKNESS - The Divine Unknowable - BEYOND CONCEPT - SO DAZZLING THAT SHE RADIATES AS DARKNESS.” That doesn’t sound like Madonna.

Full sentences

Who Is She

About: “three gals writing songs about missed connections and Courteney Cox & David Arquette’s undeniable chemistry in the Scream franchise”

This Is Napoleon

Bio: “Punk-pop but not really. Indie rock but that doesn’t quite cut it. Fuck it. We have a trumpet player. That’s cool right”

She Drew The Gun

Small Leaks Sink Ships

Everything Turned To Color

Something Is Waiting

Bio: “We are allowed to DJ a local psuedo[sic]-Metal club and/or hole in the wall-bar that will let us DJ on an off night if we ‘draw out a few friends’ as long as we do not answer ‘What band’ this is when you come up to us and ask us when said band’s song is blaring and can barely be heard over, before you respond, ‘I thought this sounded familiar.’”

Grass Is Green

Genre: “post-dick wave.” Songs: “Big Dog Tee Shirt Birthday Weekend,” “Another Song Called Supersoaker.”

It Could Always Be Colder

Its 2016 album, bornXtooXsoon, features jams like “I Saw You Standing There And Everything Inside Of Me Wanted To Talk To You But When We Made Eye Contact It Was Like Thunder And I Froze Up ✿ Now I’m Filled With Regret Again,” “Shit’s Been Shit From The Start®,” and “Aw Shit That’s Probably Going To Happen Again.”

It’s Cool

Bio: “three queers sippin seltzer.”

DL Is OK

Bio: “DL is OK. It’s a statement about the guy’s disposition - looking for fun on the beaches and barstools of New York, not always finding it, but ultimately doing all right.”

Earth Is A Death Star

They Say The Wind Made Them Crazy

Winner, Most Overwrought Song Title: “A Rose For Love, A Stone For Killing”

“Interesting” punctuation, casing, or spelling

LEAV/E/ARTH

“With their mixture of clean tones and hard-hitting bridge and chorus lines, LEAV/E/ARTH has a unique contrasting sound that can be enjoyable to those who prefer alternative rock as well as pop.” How many other bands can boast about their hard-hitting bridges

Co/ntry

Ssleeping DesiresS

The Last Artful, Dodgr

PLS&TY

Nospaces

Aretheyyestheyare

About: “sound of bullshit dying.”

Smileswithteeth

IAmTheCoffin

itoldyouiwouldeatyou

Bio: “itoldyouiwouldeatyou is kind of a downer, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like choruses and stuff.” Influences: “Say Anything, Appleseed Cast, Joyce Manor. I don’t know, what do you like We want to sound like that.”

Whatever the hell these are 

(T-T)b

C57BL/6

The C57BL/6 is a popular type of lab mouse—just know which substrain you have! Says the band’s bio: “Unlike most strains, it(mouse) drinks alcoholic beverages voluntarily. It(mouse) is more susceptible than average to morphine addiction, atherosclerosis, and age-related hearing loss.”

Sophiaaaahjkl;8901

M Ax Noi Mach

Alienood420

Those symbols mean “Ohmslice,” and knowing that is worse than not knowing.

Oort Smog

Begat The Nephilim

The New American Bible commentary draws a parallel to the Letter of Jude and the statements set forth in Genesis, suggesting that the Epistle refers implicitly to the paternity of Nephilim as heavenly beings who came to earth and had sexual intercourse with women.

rAHHH

(Adjective) (Plural noun)

Humble Braggers

Crooked Bangs

Eerie Gaits

Miserable Chillers

Punch Drunk Tagalongs

“So this next song is about social media,” says singer-guitarist Alisha Stahnke in the video below. “Have any of you heard of that before” Someone in the front, stage right, just flips her off.

Someone & The Such And Suches

Terra And The Dactyls

Will And The Won’ts

Hans Gruber And The Die Hards

The guitarist’s name actually is Hans Gruber, and they have at least one song about Ghostbusters. Also: “Anti-Werewolfism Must Be Eradicated From The USA.”

Repeat Repeat

Sure Sure

Titanic Titanic

Soviet Soviet

Concrete Concrete

Whatever Whatever

Not to be confused with Whatever/Whatever.

Black Black Black

Shots Fired Shots Fired

FingerFingerrr

Trochee Trochee

It looks like the band did an EP called There’s Always Last Year dedicated to the Cubs blowing it in the playoffs this season. At least something came out of that dismal display.

You see, it’s a play on words

The Institute Of Flyer Learning

Grim Streaker

Nothing to say here except “Guts” is super awesome.

Prism Tats

Uke-Hunt

Me First And The Gimme Gimmes singer Spike Slawson goes the cover route again, only this time with a ukulele. Suggestion for next shtick: sitar covers under the same Sitarded.

Insignificant Other

Genre: “lo-fi bedroom pile of shit.” Songs from this year’s Alphabet Soup: “There Is A Hell And It Is Called Orlando Florida,” “Just Paid Too Much For Avocado Toast,” “High-Maintenance House Plant.” After that, check out Thought Catalog’s “7 Major Signs You’ve Become An Insignificant Other.” Red flag if you’ve stopped talking about the future!

A Will Away

Eye Of The Destroyer

Portmantastic

Satanarchist

Song/hot take: “Lent Is Theft.”

Caffiends

Description: “Old school pop punk from Orlando, FL. We like to get drunk and sing songs about girls, weed, and coffee.” To wit:

The Vaticunts 

Description: “anarcho feminist alien witch ‘it’s okay to abort that fetus’ blackened (lol jk) punk rock straight outta bham.” Band interests: “Destroying stereo types [sic] concerning Feminazis, calling the police out on their crap, challenging religious institutions, & beating up rapists.” Regarding that first part, check out “Attack Of The ‘Feminazis.’”

Tyrannosorceress

Better than both the band name and its album title (Shattering Light’s Creation) is the name of its label: Tofu Carnage Records.

Nihiloceros

Probably the only band with a song called “A.N.U.S.” that lists Jawbreaker as its primary influence.

!!!

Machinist!

From “The Nail”: “i am a dog / hateful hound / i am jesus / and you are the nail.” That’s pretty metal-sounding, but NYC band The Machinist is the metal one.

Roar!

A few bands claim Roar, so this one from New Orleans added an exclamation point and has the URL roartheduo.com.

DieAlps!

Personal interests: “Songwriting, having too many cats.”

Goalie Fight!

Mayya And The Revolutionary Hell Yeah!

Sexual Thunder!

The Lord & his messengers

Jesus Sons

M.A.D.E 4 Christ

Cocaine Jesus

“Cocaine Jesus” is also a song by 2017 listmate Rainbow Kitten Surprise.

Bright Christ

Jesus Piece

God Tiny

Ski Mask The Slump God

The Devil & his minions

Demonfuck

Satanic Hispanic

Marching Band Forms Pentagram

Maybe they’re Onion readers

A Devil’s Broadcast

Godstopper

Onegodless

In a world full of musicians, home studios, bands and their respective originality, ONEGODLESS decides to bring nothing new. Since everything already has been done, and everything else won’t be worth making, these brave young men decide to do something entirely different: acknowledge their total lack of cutting edge, thriving in genuine unoriginality.

Reeking Cross

Good news: Its split with Mental Abortion is still available.

Shit

Shit Present

Shit Present’s 2015 EP is pretty great; I recommend “Anxious Type.”

Shitizen

SHITIZEN is like the pied piper raping your ears as you hop on board the short bus. Just a drunk drive away to the gates of hell and you will find Chicagos [sic] newest, rawest, brutal sound.

ShitKid

Urine

Wet Piss

Cemetery Piss

Its album Rest In Piss has a pretty rad cover:

Cocaine Piss

Pisscat

Pissed Regardless

Eww

Moist Ahoy

Moist Clown

Diarrhea Sprinkles

Song: “Diarrhea That Killed You.”

Fuck/ing/ed

Black Fucking Cancer

Seattle Fucking Supersonics

EP: Seattle Fucking Super Chronic

Fuck U Pay Us

Songs: “Burn Ye Old White Patriarchy, Burn,” “Nappy Black Pussy,” “Don’t Touch My Hair.”

Fucked & Bound

Pro tip: Add “band” to any Google searches about this group.

Directives

Dump Him

Take A Daytrip

Get Married

Steal, Cheat And Gamble

Bio: “Three asbestos ghosts in the halls of an old abandoned drug factory singing the blues.” Song: “I Was Stoned Last Night.”

Steal Shit Do Drugs

Wear Your Wounds

Kill The Precedent

Yo Chill

Pucker Up

Have A Good Season

Bleach Everything

Fetch The Burn Book

Revel In Romance

Winner, Most Nonsensical Bio Lede:

With a blitz of tight, rhythmic instrumentation, wall-of-sound punk allusions, and ethereal, 3-dimensional synths, Revel in Romance, (a 5-piece Alt. Pop Rock Band out of Atlanta, GA.), has achieved a soundscape as in-depth as it is relatable.

Walk Off The Earth

Food & drink

Top Nachos

Lyrics to “Sext”: “Why do you keep sending me / Pictures I don’t want to see / Laying right now in the bed / I just want a margarita.”

Cereal Banter

Nothing For Breakfast

CupcakKe

Twitter bio: “GOING TO SUCK 2017 DICKS IN 2017.”

Midnite Snaxxx

Youth On Soda

Nasty Snacks

What’s a Nasty Snack, you ask It’s Tom Selleck standing under a waterfall with a saxophone, eating a ham sandwich.

Strawberry Fist Cake

Song: “It’s Hard To Look Tough With Hayfever”

Super Lunch

Song: “Seinfeld Sex Change”

The Brunch Crowd

Song: “Everybody’s Got Their Dick In Their Hands”

Warm Brew

The New Restaurants

This is a group at war with casual dining: “Fuck Hale And Hearty Soup,” “Fuck Dallas BBQ.”

The Band Ice Cream

It’s what’s for dinner

Meatbodies

Meat Spreader

Meatwound

Booze

Basement Beers

Songs: “Wake Me Up When ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ Ends (Nicole’s Song),” “I Believe In ‘I Believe In A Thing Called Love,’” “I Eat Stickers All The Time, Dude!,” “…Ann Perkins!”

Champagne Superchillin

Stormtroopers Of Beer

Champagne Drip

Drugs

School Drugs

Trunkweed

Winner, Most Confusing Interests: “Destroying the parochial criteria of what it means to be a post-y2k g(o)uerilla with shiny toys and hoping to influence others to join in the pseudo beat movement, i.e. drop the bongs, drop babies, and don’t drop bombs (probably not ‘acid’ either)…”

Drug Pizza

A Drug Called Tradition

Marijuana Deathsquads

Bong Mountain

Taking Meds

The group’s 2016 album, My Life As A Bro, features “I Only Want To Listen To My Own Band.” (Chorus: “I really prefer silence, man / I only want to listen to my own band.”)

Sex & kink

Illuminati Sex Party

Sex Scheme

Skeet Taste

Pet Sex

Leather Slave

Strap-On Ritual

Joy Of Monogamy

Hookup Culture

Clothing optional

The Naked Heroes

The Nude Party

Genre: “Boner Pop”

Gay stuff

Your Gay Thoughts

Coach, I’m Gay

Anatomy & physiology

Clitorium

Pussy Vision

Anus Kings

The Washboard Abs

Breakfast Muff

Grubby Little Hands

Widest Smiling Faces

Cliterati

Tough Tits

Apparently not tough enough—they disbanded this year.

Better Head

Skull Practitioners

Extended Skin Contact

Melanin Free

Period Bomb

Albums: Yes! I’m Bleeding; Ovary Acting; Permanently Wet.

Father of mine

The Freaky Baby Daddies

Bio excerpt: “Despite what most people think, the name ‘The Freaky Baby Daddies’ has little to do with its literal meaning and more so with a multi-faceted philosophy and lifestyle. The name describes the band’s relationship with their audience and the exchange of energy that occurs when one performs for a crowd.” Way to overthink that one, guys.

Daddy & Other Daddy

Bastards

The Bastards Of Fate

Bastard Clan

Locations & nationalities

The U.S. Americans

If I Die In Mississippi

Songs from this year’s Halloween Tape: “Hotboxin’ The Church Van,” “Throwing Away All My Boy Underwear,” “Having No Control Over Anything In Life; Becoming A Mess Of Blankets.” Last year’s Artless featured “Goth Kids By The Carousel In The Mall,” “Everyone Is Playing Pokémon Go And I’m All Out Of Data,” and “Ancient Moth Escapes The Drink Machine.”

Alaskalaska

Bio: “ALASKALASKA are a 6 piece band that make music to make out to, and then cry about.”

SoCal Tennis Pros

Bio: “It’s like when you take a box of spark plugs, and pour in some vinegar and rubbing alcohol, and tie it to your dog and throw that dog in the pool, and then let him run around in your neighbors [sic] house for a while to dry off but instead the neighbors [sic] kids dress him in womens [sic] clothing, and then you have to explain to your parents why you’re out of vinegar. That’s what losing my virginity was like.”

Upstate Rubdown

The Koreatown Oddity

Planet Booty

New England Axe Factory

Most Badass Asian

Death & the dead

Stages Of Decomposition

Track listing for the band’s debut, Piles Of Rotting Flesh—available in both regular CD and Digipack!

1. Genital Adipocere

2. Cadaveric Molestation

3. Chainsaw Disemboweled Cadaver

4. Acid Bath Orgy

5. Piles Of Rotting Flesh

6. Devoured And Defecated By Swine

7. The Butcher Of Plainsfield

8. The Burning

9. Schizophrenic Nympho

Chained To The Dead

The Dead Deads

Death Hymn Number 9

Die High

Casket Huffer

October Bird Of Death

Coordinated Suicides

Melting Death Vapors

G-g-g-g-hosts

Spooky Mansion

Spirit In The Room

Adios Ghost 

Ghost Piss

Check out “Nancy, Oh Nancy,” an ode to Stranger Things’ Nancy Wheeler.

Schooling & education

Butthole University

Art School Jocks

Spelling Reform

The ’burbs

Suburban Living

Republican Hair

Mall Prowler

Average Joes & Janes

Phil From Accounting

Bio: “We’re the Dave Coulier of Punk.” Song: “Anthony Bourdain Ate My Dog.”

Brandon Can’t Dance

Date Night With Brian

Gladys The Gardener

Leroy From The North

About: “Sounds like a velour track suit with a cowboy hat.”

Blue Lives Matter

Copstabber

Songs from 2016's Pulled Pork: “Fuck School, Stay In Drugs” (“I never use math in my real life / But I use cocaine almost every night!”), “I Love Being A Scumbag.”

Anybody But The Cops

Criminals & crimes

Fragile Gang

JPEGMAFIA

Songs: “Hop Out The Pussy I’m 21,” “I Might Vote 4 Donald Trump,” “Let’s Hit A Lick On The White House.”

World’s Scariest Police Chases

Tickle Torture

#resist

Occupy The Disco

Crowd The Airwaves

This Saxophone Kills Fascists

Witches

All Them Witches

Witch Slap

From “Cat Call Killer”: “Cat Call Killer / Don’t tell me to smile / Cat Call Killer / You’re so fucking vile / Cat Call Killer / I just want the deli / Cat Call Killer / Why can’t you just let me be

Witch Vomit

Last year’s A Scream From The Tomb Below has a song called “Witch Cunt,” and 2015's The Webs Of Horror has a song called “Vomit Ritual,” so there you go. Maybe “Cunt Ritual” was also a contender for a band name

Apparel

A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie

Bent Denim

Wet Wallet

Afire

How It Got Burned

Maybe its music attempts to answer this Nic Cage question

Burned Or Buried

Fire In The Radio

Liquid Solid Fire

Rhymes

Cool Schmool

Based in Atlanta, but started in Portland, so what are the odds the name comes from the Bratmobile song Maybe 80-20 or 90-10

Triple Cripple

Songs from last year’s Nursing Home For Retired Hookers: “Wheelchair Swingers [sic] Party,” “Deflowered By Ron Jeremy,” “Jackhammer Colonoscopy,” “Bin Laden Is Dead.”

Bashful Slasher

Beech Creeps

Plant life

Dear Lemon Trees

Cross reference with subsection “No.”

Tomorrow’s Tulips

See above.

Really Big Pinecone

Its most recent album is last year’s What I Said About The Pinecone, but 2015’s Embrace The Boss has “Pow To The Boss And His Sassy Retinue.”

Work life

Desperate Journalist

Headless Dentist

Skinny Cooks

Office Culture

Souvenir Driver

Sport

Psychic Jiu Jitsu

Sports Boyfriend

Fuhgawee Hunting Club

Children

Chin Up, Kid

Teenage Slang Session

Video Daughters

Kid In The Attic

Foreign language

Adiós Mundo Cruel

Avec Sans

Yo No Say

Misc.

Mirrors For Psychic Warfare

Prissy Whip

This band isn’t having Facebook’s shit, or at least not all of it:

Punker In The Headlights

TubaFresh

Sun Abduction

Genre: “Desert Sex Rock”

The Worst Humans

VHS Collection

Super Natural Psycho

The Loud Soft Loud

Bio: “The Loud Soft Loud is a rock group originally from the places Wisconsin and Minnesota. The Loud Soft Loud offers more than 12 one-of-a-kind songs including: traditional rock songs with a lead guitar solo and/or a bridge, sorrowful heartache songs, harder rock songs with screams, and hopeful songs with a keyboard instrument.” A solo and/or a bridge And hopeful keyboard songs! Sold!

Staying For The Weekend

Harriers Of Discord

The cover for …And They Did Live has a lot going on.

Inspired And The Sleep

Rad Horror

Proto Idiot

Kicked Off The Streets

Plaid Dracula

EP: Plaid Sabbath

Honestly Probably

Crayondroids

Songs from 2014’s Destroy All Humans: “We’re Taking You Bitches Hostage,” “I Fuckin Know Kung Fu.”

Fat History Month

Fucking Despair, from 2011, features a song called “You Can Pick Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends [sic] Nose, But You Can’t Escape Your Horrible Family.” Here’s the cover:

Correction: An earlier version of this identified the C57BL/6 as a rat, when it’s a mouse. We regret the error. Still, good luck getting promoters to spell that one correctly.