Your Horoscope for Today lyrics

Aquarius:

There's travel in your future

when your tongue freezes

to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life

by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces:

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos

with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance,

no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries:

The look on your face will be priceless

when you find that forty-pound watermelon

in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,

then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus:

You will never find true happiness

What you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,

do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

[Chorus:]

That's your horoscope for today

(That's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

(That's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

Gemini:

Your birthday party will be ruined once again

by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble

when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer:

The position of Jupiter says

that you should spend the rest of the week

face-down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose

while taking your driver's test

Leo:

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt

and staple it to your boss's face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,

then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo:

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent

Except for you

Expect a big surprise today

when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

[Chorus]

Now you may find it inconceivable

or at the very least a bit unlikely

that the relative position of the planets

and the stars could have

a special deep significance or meaning

that exclusively applies to only you,

but let me give you my assurance

that these forecasts and predictions

are all based on solid, scientific,

documented evidence, so you would have

to be some kind of moron not to realize

that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra:

A big promotion is just around the corner

for someone much more talented than you

Laughter is the very best medicine

Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio:

Get ready for an unexpected trip

when you fall screaming from an open window

Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem,

you stupid freak

Sagittarius:

All your friends are laughing behind your back

(Kill them)

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine

You've got hanging in your den

Capricorn:

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,

but you know they're lying

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows

and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

[Chorus]x2