The Story Of Moses lyrics

This is the oldest song in the world.

Nope, this song is so old, 

I mean this...it might...it might not be 

the exact oldest song in the world.

I mean, there might be songs like from Atlantis 

or places that ain't around anymore.

But I don't, I don't know, you know, like, 

any songs from there.

But of all the places that still around,

this is the oldest one I know.

This song goes all the way back to Egypt,

all the way back to the pharaohs,

all the way back to the first pharaoh.

Not only that, but when he was a kid.

Can you imagine the kid pharaoh, 

the first one bein' there, sittin' there 

in his golden rockin' chair?

Watchin' the Nile River flow by,

the hippos playin' in the mud, 

the giraffe's runnin' around,

the trees growin', the grasses blowin' 

in the wind, the birds flyin' in the sky.

Everything was wonderful,

everything was beautiful.

Everybody thought the pharaoh was God.

They said, "That's God Kid Pharaoh.

Anything he wants, he gets."

You know, but there's certain disadvantage

to bein' God Kid Pharaoh.

Like a lot of things was brought to him.

I mean, like when his stash1 come to him,

it was already rolled and lit.

That's right!

He thought it grew like that!

Amazin'!

One day, one day the sun rose blood red.

Pharaoh said, "What's this?"

He looked down the Nile River, the Nile River

had more water than it could handle,

more water than usual.

It was comin' over the banks, 

comin' over the hippos.

Pretty soon, it was coverin' up the giraffes 

and the trees and the birds...the birds was alright,

but everything else was gettin' covered up.

Pretty soon it wiped everything away.

All them hippos, giraffes, all them animals, folks, 

people, trees, everything was just wiped away,

brought downriver wherever the river was goin'.

Pharaoh couldn't handle this, he said,

"Man, I can't handle this straight!"

So he called for his stash and his fiddlers three.2

Nobody showed up.

He went lookin' for his own stash

and in the back of the room, he found

the biggest pile of stash he could ever imagine

and there in the middle of that pile was all these 

round things. Pharaoh said, 

"What's all these round things doin' in my stash?"

He figured out that if he had a little strainer, 

he put some of the stash with them round things in, 

all he'd have to do is jiggle that strainer a little bit

and pretty soon, the stash would come fallin' through

and the round things would stay on top.

That's what he did.

He threw them round things out in the mud

and sat back to contemplate.

Pretty soon, the warm sun and the 

heat of that mud was yellin' out to 

them little roots, "Come out of there, you roots!"

And them li'l round things turned into li'l plants.

And li'l sprouts was comin' out the ground.

Pharaoh was freaked out, he said, 

"Wha! Look at that! Li'l, li'l stash plants growin' 

right there in the mud!"

He said, "Wait a minute, though, I don't know 

how to pick no s-, I can't pick no stash. 

I'm God, I'm the Pharaoh." 

He had a few things left over from the flood,

he took out his chariot, took some, some spears,

some clubs, some tear gas, mace, stuff like that, 

hitched up his horse, went ridin' around 

the countryside roundin' up these wanderin' dudes.

He said, "You wanderin' dudes, 

you wanderin' dudes, I'm Pharaoh, I'm God, 

I'm the kid. You gonna come pick the stash 

for me."

They said, "Hey, man, we don't know 

about you bein' God, but you got the spear, 

so we'll pick the stash."

And this is how it went for

generation after generation,

wanderin' dudes pickin' the stash for the Pharaoh.

Pretty soon, they was plantin' everything,

lettuce, grapes, tomatoes.

One day,

one day a basket come floatin' down the river.

Just a little basket.

Just like it had eyes, it was avoidin' all the rocks.

It seen a princess on the side of the road,

she was takin' a bath in the river.

It pulled right over there,

stopped right there in front of her.

She said, "Wha! Look at that, a basket!"

She opened up the basket,

and inside the basket was the most dynamite,

fantastic, unbelievable kid she had ever seen.

This kid had eyes that pierced right through her.

She said, "Boy, I'm gonna name this kid Moses."

And she was right.

'Cause that's what his name was.

Everybody dug Mos', not just her.

I mean, newspapers comin' around for 

an interview with Mos', TV cameras sayin', 

"Smile, Mos', smile!"

Everybody wanted to see little Mos'.

Everybody including the Pharaoh loved little Mos'.

He grew up to be a heavy-duty cat.

Everybody loved Mos'.

One day, Mos' was out in the field 

with them wanderin' dudes. 

He thought he recognized somebody.

I meant, he, he...he realized

he was one of them wanderin' dudes!

He said, "Wow, what am I gonna do about this?"

Mos' went out to think about it.

Forty years later, Mos' come back.

Mos' wasn't quick, but he was right.

You know, while Mos' was out there, 

the most extraordinary thing happened to Mos'. 

He was out walkin' around one day 

and all of a sudden he saw a bush 

burnin' on the side of the road.

He said, "Wow, I better check this out!"

He walked right over and the bush said, 

"Mos', take them shoes off!"

Mos' never heard a bush talk before! 

He was freaked right out of his gourd.3 

He said, "What's this?!?!"

Bush said, "Mos', this is God."

Mos' freaked out right then and there,

said, "What you need, God?"

God said, "Mos', I'm gonna send you right back 

to Egypt land, I'm gonna tell, I want you to tell 

that Pharaoh to let...tell that Pharaoh

to let my wanderin' dudes go out in the desert."

Mos' said, "I don't know about that, man, 

I mean, anything but that. Send somebody else, 

you know what I'm sayin'?"

God said, "Mos', I'm sendin' you."

Mos' said, "Alright."

Mos' walked back there, 

walked right up to Pharaoh, said, 

"Pharaoh, I was walkin' down the road one day, 

seen a burnin' bush on the side of the road. 

I walked right up and this is what it told me to tell ya: 

Let these wanderin' dudes split."

Pharaoh said, "Hey, come on, Mos'. 

I mean, what were you doin' out there in the desert, 

you know what I'm sayin'?

Anythin' but a burnin' bush, man!"

Mos' said, "Hey, that's the truth."

Pharaoh said,

"Hey, I don't care if that's the truth or not,

but these guys gotta stay here, help me pick my stash.

How can I keep my stash rollin' in, 

how am I gonna keep happy in my life

with all these wanderin' dudes gone?

I can't pick that stash myself!"

Later that night, the Pharaoh was takin' a bath

and all of a sudden, the bath turned into blood!

Pharaoh said, "Wow, look at this! 

I mean, I knew that stash was good, 

but there ain't no stash this good!"

Turned on the shower, same thing.

Walked over to the toilet, same thing!

Wherever he went, the water had turned to blood.

Pharaoh's freakin' out!

Walked up to Mos', said, 

"Mos', you know anything about this?"

Mos' said, "No, I don't, but what's them frogs 

doin' comin' down the road?"

Pharaoh looked behind him and sure enough,

there's frogs comin' all the way down the road,

I mean, just millions of li'l frogs

just walkin' down the road.

Pharaoh freaked out, he said, 

"Wait a minute, man, what kind of trip is this?"

Mos' said, "I don't know, man, 

but...what's all your cattle doin' dyin'?"

Pharoah freaked out again. He looked around. 

Every cattle he had was dyin'!

Just went on, more, I mean, the Pharaoh's 

goin' through all kinds of trips till finally one day, 

Pharaoh said, "Mos', cut this shit! 

We gotta do somethin'...I mean, why don't you 

guys, why don't you guys just take, 

why don't you take them friends of yours, 

them...them weirdo wanderin' types 

and just get out of town, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Mos' said, "Right. I know exactly what you're sayin'."

But we ain't gonna leave till we get the...

you know, some, uh...We gonna plunder this joint!"

Pharaoh said, "You're gonna what?"

Mos' said, "That's right, man, for millions of years, 

you been sittin' here, generation after generation.

We've been plantin' and you've been smokin'.

And all we had to eat was some of them seeds.

Well, we wanna take some of that stash with us."

Pharaoh said, "Wha-...you mean you wanna 

take my stash?"

Mos' said, "That's right!" 

And Mos' packed up as much stash 

as he could take, why, he took everything, beets, 

a hot sausage sandwich, Dr. Pepper, root beer, 

orange juice and stash. 

And early that next mornin', 

they start walkin' across the desert.

Walkin'! You know what that was like 

with the sun burnin' down, 

the wind blowin' the sand? 

I mean, there's wind just blowin' that sand

in them poor people's faces

and the desert wasn't like it is now,

all packed down after thousands of years

of people walkin' on it. 

Nobody had walked across it before! 

They was over their knees in sand.

And it was hot. And it was hard goin'.

One cat in the back of the line, 

his name was Freddy,

he opened up his knapsack, 

had to have a bite to eat,

couldn't hold out much longer. 

He reached in for his piece of pizza,

hot sausage sandwich, Dr. Pepper, root beer, 

orange juice and...it wasn't there!

Why, he come out with some fantastic 

conglomeration of stuff he had never seen before.

He took it up to Mos', he said, 

"Mos'! Mos'! What is this?"

Mos' said, "I don't know, Freddy, take a bite."

Mos' wasn't stupid!

Freddy took a bite.

Pretty soon, everybody was openin' up 

their knapsacks and they was all takin' bites, 

why, it was a new invention that they was 

munchin' on, it was the most incredible thing!

That stash had melted with some of the flour, 

some of them Hershey4 bars, some of them nuts, 

hot sausage sandwich and melted all into-...baked 

right in the heat of the sun 

and turned into...brownies!

I mean, it was the same hot sun, 

it was the same hot sun burnin' them same faces, 

it was the same wind blowin' the same sand 

in the same eyes and nose and mouth, 

it was the same desert that was over their knees.

It was the same, but it was...but they was...smilin'.

Pretty soon, they was laughin'.

Pretty soon, they was jumpin' up and down, 

they was singin' and swingin' and yellin':

"Dance through the desert with Moses..."

They were havin' a wonderful time in the desert

and all of a sudden,

they pulled up to the edge of the desert

and there on the edge of the desert,

there was an ocean.

And they said, 

"Mos', Mos', what are we gonna do?

There's an ocean out there!"

Mos' said, "Wow, look at that!"

He looked around, he said, 

"Anybody here swim?"

And he jumped in the water! 

And they were so stoned out their gourds,3

they were doin' the frontstroke, backstroke, sidestroke, 

they was swimmin' across the ocean with Moses, 

they was throwin' brownies in the air, 

not a one touched the ground, 

it was the most amazin' thing.

All of a sudden, 

the Pharaoh's army pulls right up

to the edge of the same spot to look out there. 

And there's Moses and the kitties 

swimmin' across the ocean.

They said, "My God, what's them weirdo freaks doin'? 

We can't go back to Pharaoh without Mos'! 

We can't go back without them kitties! 

And we can't go back without the stash!"

So they jumped in the water. 

And they started swimmin'.

But their badges was so heavy

that they started drownin'!

Mos' and the kitties, 

they couldn't see over the waves, 

they didn't know what happened to Pharaoh's army, 

they just knew they was close behind.

And Moses was on the other side, 

he's haulin' people out the water 

like nobody could imagine, 

I mean, he's takin' people in one hand, 

he's throwin' the people and catchin' the folks 

that Moses is...haulin' out the water about forty yards back. 

Mos' throwin' everybody out! 

He's having a wonderful...he was a strong dude, 

you know. Amazing.

All of a sudden, there was one, 

one chick left in the water.

Her name was Mary.

Mos' reached out his right hand.

Poor Mary, she was cryin', she's freakin' out, 

thinking that Pharaoh's army is right on her, 

about to get her, 'bout to stab her, 

'bout to bring her back to Pharaoh.

But Mos' reached down, 

his kind eyes looked at her.

And same time, he looked at everybody else 

like only Mos' could do.

And he thought for a moment, he said, 

"Wow! What am I gonna write in the Bible?

We got stoned and...and swam across the the ocean?"

He said, "Wait a minute, 

there's nobody gonna buy that one!"

So he looked 'em all in the eyes second time, 

which only like them Moses eyes could do.

He said, "Kitties, now, wasn't that wonderful,

the way the ocean opened up 

and we walked right through?"

And they said, "Mos', that was so beautiful."

There's Moses with his right hand, 

Mary's clutchin' it, she's comin' up out the water, 

she's freakin' and cryin'.

In Mos' left hand, a piano appears on a big rock.

And Mos' wrote the first song.

Mos' wrote the first song in the history of the world!

And the last.

And this is the song that Mos' wrote.

He looked right down there at that chick, he said, 

"Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan."

That's wha-...that's exactly what he said.

He said, "Oh, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan. 

You know the Pharaoh's army got drownded.5

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep."

Then he started playin' with two hands, 

she was out the water by then.

He had a whole chorus of people singin' with him.

It went like this:

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.  

The Pharaoh's army got drownded.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep.

And they all started singin' along with Mos':

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.  

You know the Pharaoh's army got drownded.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep.

Moses stood on the Red Sea shore

helpin' people out the water 

like never been here before.

The Pharaoh's army got drownded. 

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.

He said, whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.

You know the Pharaoh's army got drownded.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep.

If I could, I surely would 

stand on the rock that Moses stood.

Pharaoh's army got drownded.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.  

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.

You know the Pharaoh's army got drownded.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep.

Then Mos' picked out a little tune like...

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.  

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep, don't you moan.

You know the Pharaoh's army got drownded.

Whoa, Mary, don't you weep.

1. Refers to a stash of marijuana.2. A reference to a children's nursery rhyme called Old King Cole. The line he's referencing says, "He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl and he called for his fiddlers three." In addition to their regular meanings, the words "pipe" and "bowl" also have a second meaning as things from which you can smoke marijuana.3. a. b. 'Gourd' is slang for 'head' or 'mind.'4. A brand of chocolate5. Colloquial pronunciation of "drowned."