I Believe [Spoof] [Tongan translation]

I ran for President

'Cause I thought I was the best

So what happened?

The primaries told me

I was better than the rest

So what happened?

It should of been all so exciting

And not such an uphill fight

Why can't I convince this dumb country

To keep the White House...

White?

I've always longed to help this nation

On this I've been heck-bent

I will honor and serve all its people -- well... 53 percent

A Mormon who likes horsies

What's so scary about that?

I must trust that my Lord is mightier

And doesn't see me as a highfalutin' brat

Now I must be completely devout

I can't have even one shred of doubt

I believe...

That corporations are people

I believe...

That I am unemployed

And I believe...

That a tax rate of 14 percent on the $20 million I made last year is totally fair

I am a Mormon

And a Mormon just believes

You can't hide your faith from the people

The people is transparency

My religion's non-threatening and happy

Like Donny and Marie

I can't let Barack "Rock the Vote"

While my country goes to hell

So Ann tries to make me look human

And take down that biaatch...

Michelle!

Ladies and gentlemen: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

I believe...

That airplane windows should open

I believe...

That dressage is a manly sport

And I believe...

That it's super-normal to strap your family dog to the top of your car

I am a Mormon...

And doggone-it!

A Mormon just believes

I know that I must go and do

The things my God commands

And He commands

I rule the USA

I give Him a tenth of all of my cash

So He owes me big

You better help me beat

O-B-A-M-A!

I believe...

That abortion is always murder

I used to believe...

That women have a right to choose

So I'll believe...

Whatever the really nice people with money in this room want me to believe

(Rich people!)

You can be a moron -- er -- a Mormon

A Mormon who just believes

And now I can feel the excitement

The election of a billionaire

And I look so presidential

With my fucking perfect hair

The Scriptures say that a righteous man

Will reap what he shall earn

Lord help me reap every American

With my bullshit tax return!

I believe...

That Big Bird is the problem

I believe...

That if you have $200,000 in the bank

You're poor!

And I believe...

That Obama-care is socialist even thought it's exactly what I created in the first place

And I believe...

The Lord will respect me

He'll keep Blacks and Latinos and homos and women and Jews from voting

And elect me

You'll be a Mormon

'Cause by gosh

A Mormon just believes

Oh, I believe...

I believe!