[George Carlin]
Here we go, it's George Carlin. I'm a mad dog snarling
I was born in the Bronx and brought up in Harlem
I'm dope at spitting bars and getting crowds hardy harring
While you're the least threatening black dude since Carlton
Now, there's seven words you can't say on a TV set
But this is the pissing fucking cunting Internet
And my cocksucking motherfucking bits are the tits
Non-stopping brain droppings like my wit's got the shits
So call this Pryor-rhea: I doo doo on you constantly
No pauses in my punchlines, no commas in my comedy
You'll be down for the count when this counter-culture counterman
Serves you with a stand-uppercut you can't counter, damn
I'm Wilder than Gene when I'm killing a beat
You're steady taking second place, now that's a Silver Streak
[Richard Pryor]
Any rap battles with you, I'll be winning 'em
Your style's like two drinks: it's the minimum
It's ya boy from Peoria, Illinois
One hand on my mic, one hand on my groin
'Cause ain't no set tighter in this whole damn game
Even the shit that I spit off the top: flames! (Stand up!)
My delivery is rupturing the tummies
You tell a joke and people go, "Hmm, that's funny"
My mama was a prostitute and grandma ran the brothel
Seen some shit but not as awful as your haircut debacle
I'm the original brother to give the scene some color!
The most iconic stand-up comic! Stand down, motherfucker
[Bill Cosby]
Hey! You forgot the Cos and you know it's a mistake
I eat emcees for breakfast like they're made of chocolate cake
I'm the greatest...
What's wrong... what's wrong with my lip?
Did somebody put something in my pudding?
They put something in the pudding. It's in the pudding...
[Joan Rivers]
Oh, shut up, you stupid son of a bitch, you know you blew it
I'd have attacked you two first, but your hearts beat me to it
Cosby, you can't be here! You're making people nervous
So let me end you real quick like I was Hannibal Buress!
It turns out you were just like your sweater: monstrous
The men that I slept with only wished they were unconscious
My sex jokes offend, you're on the sex offender registry
Oh, who are you wearing now? Is that State Penitentiary?
Enough with the roofies, let me move on to Rufus
My jokes always had bite, you started out toothless
And you just kept talking, you wouldn't shut up
Honestly, I'm glad you died: fourteen specials was enough
And Richard, can we talk? Can I call you Dick?
Like your fifth wife did when you remarried your sixth?
At this point, I've got more plastic than flesh
But my Tupperware body couldn't keep your raps fresh!
[Bill Cosby]
I think my pudding...
[Joan Rivers]
So don't throw down with Rivers! The flow is too relentless
I haven't thrashed celebrities this bad since "The Apprentice"
I'm closing this battle! No one else compares
The only place I'm in the middle is on Hollywood Squares
[Robin Williams]
Good morning, movie bombs!
Nice shoulder pads, chief!
I'm a genie in the bottle for some comic relief
O Carlin, my Carlin, what can I say about you?
Except I don't think you've had a good shit since 1962
Mork aged backwards and Joan, you must too
80 years old but that nose looks brand new! Nanu!
Yo Pryor, I Doubtfire makes a good shampoo
Left you running down the street like "Oh, nooo!"
Comedy ain't easy, I've played plenty of dumps
And believe me, we've all hit plenty of bumps
But now I've got the Flubber flows that'll get the club jumping
You got second-hand raps
"Found 'em Good Will Hunting!"
Got more hair on my arms than a Monchhichi
And I'll finish this battle like it's Jumanji
I love the prince, but you'll never have a friend like me
Thanks folks, that's my time! Gotta set myself free!