George Carlin vs Richard Pryor lyrics

[George Carlin]

Here we go, it's George Carlin. I'm a mad dog snarling

I was born in the Bronx and brought up in Harlem

I'm dope at spitting bars and getting crowds hardy harring

While you're the least threatening black dude since Carlton

Now, there's seven words you can't say on a TV set

But this is the pissing fucking cunting Internet

And my cocksucking motherfucking bits are the tits

Non-stopping brain droppings like my wit's got the shits

So call this Pryor-rhea: I doo doo on you constantly

No pauses in my punchlines, no commas in my comedy

You'll be down for the count when this counter-culture counterman

Serves you with a stand-uppercut you can't counter, damn

I'm Wilder than Gene when I'm killing a beat

You're steady taking second place, now that's a Silver Streak

[Richard Pryor]

Any rap battles with you, I'll be winning 'em

Your style's like two drinks: it's the minimum

It's ya boy from Peoria, Illinois

One hand on my mic, one hand on my groin

'Cause ain't no set tighter in this whole damn game

Even the shit that I spit off the top: flames! (Stand up!)

My delivery is rupturing the tummies

You tell a joke and people go, "Hmm, that's funny"

My mama was a prostitute and grandma ran the brothel

Seen some shit but not as awful as your haircut debacle

I'm the original brother to give the scene some color!

The most iconic stand-up comic! Stand down, motherfucker

[Bill Cosby]

Hey! You forgot the Cos and you know it's a mistake

I eat emcees for breakfast like they're made of chocolate cake

I'm the greatest...

What's wrong... what's wrong with my lip?

Did somebody put something in my pudding?

They put something in the pudding. It's in the pudding...

[Joan Rivers]

Oh, shut up, you stupid son of a bitch, you know you blew it

I'd have attacked you two first, but your hearts beat me to it

Cosby, you can't be here! You're making people nervous

So let me end you real quick like I was Hannibal Buress!

It turns out you were just like your sweater: monstrous

The men that I slept with only wished they were unconscious

My sex jokes offend, you're on the sex offender registry

Oh, who are you wearing now? Is that State Penitentiary?

Enough with the roofies, let me move on to Rufus

My jokes always had bite, you started out toothless

And you just kept talking, you wouldn't shut up

Honestly, I'm glad you died: fourteen specials was enough

And Richard, can we talk? Can I call you Dick?

Like your fifth wife did when you remarried your sixth?

At this point, I've got more plastic than flesh

But my Tupperware body couldn't keep your raps fresh!

[Bill Cosby]

I think my pudding...

[Joan Rivers]

So don't throw down with Rivers! The flow is too relentless

I haven't thrashed celebrities this bad since "The Apprentice"

I'm closing this battle! No one else compares

The only place I'm in the middle is on Hollywood Squares

[Robin Williams]

Good morning, movie bombs!

Nice shoulder pads, chief!

I'm a genie in the bottle for some comic relief

O Carlin, my Carlin, what can I say about you?

Except I don't think you've had a good shit since 1962

Mork aged backwards and Joan, you must too

80 years old but that nose looks brand new! Nanu!

Yo Pryor, I Doubtfire makes a good shampoo

Left you running down the street like "Oh, nooo!"

Comedy ain't easy, I've played plenty of dumps

And believe me, we've all hit plenty of bumps

But now I've got the Flubber flows that'll get the club jumping

You got second-hand raps

"Found 'em Good Will Hunting!"

Got more hair on my arms than a Monchhichi

And I'll finish this battle like it's Jumanji

I love the prince, but you'll never have a friend like me

Thanks folks, that's my time! Gotta set myself free!