I’m sitting here with Susie
Who isn’t very choosy
A bottle of cheap wine
And we’re getting on just fine
My Barry White selection
Provokes her into action
It’s looking like the time
When the doorbell starts to chime
Ding dong, ding dong
Who is that at the door?
Perhaps the page 3 model
Who lives on the second floor
Ding dong, ding dong
Who is that at the door?
It’s just my neighbors…
They’re drunk and they throw up on the floor
So keep the door shut!
Let no one in!!
Just keep the door shut, you’ll never win!
You give in one inch then it’s too late
It must be trouble, so let it wait!
Now Susie has departed
You had an awful fight
The neighbors lie in coma
They’ve been like that all night
Your brain is on vacation
Your body’s in the bath
You try to sort the place out
When someone comes up the path…
Ding dong, ding dong
Who is that at the door?
Perhaps it’s little Susie
And she’s coming back for more
Ding dong, ding dong
Who is that at the door?
It’s just her husband, Sylvester
He’s only 6 feet 4!!!
So keep the door shut!
Let no one in!
Just keep the door shut, you’ll never win!!
You give in one inch, then it’s too late!
It must be trouble, so let it wait!
Sylvester’s not so happy…
He takes it out on you!
A shame she never told you
He’s a black belt at Kung Fu!
A few weeks after Christmas
The bandages are gone
You roll home on your wheel chair
But your place looks like you’ll be gone
Your furniture has vanished
It’s all been repossessed
There’s just your old piano
And the doorbell, which is pressed
Ding dong, ding dong
Who is that at the door?
Perhaps it’s Father Christmas
He missed me out before
Ding dong, ding dong
Who is that at the door?
The bailiff’s men are back again…
They lift the piano off the floor
So keep the door shut!
You’ll never win!
Best hang a sign out “there’s no one in”!!
Fit 20 padlocks and put of armor plate
A shark-filled moat and an electric gate!
You’ve had all you can take now
You haven’t any hope
Your fate has done it’s worst enough
There’s one thing left:-the rope!
You dangle from the rafters
As your soul levitates
And by some miracle
You sand before the Pearly Gates
Ding dong, ding dong
Is anyone at home?
I am looking for my piano
And a cloud to call my own
Ding dong, ding dong
Will anyone reply?
An answer comes, a mighty voice
That echoes through the sky!
We keep the gates locked!
You won’t get through! - Shut up!
Can’t you read English?
We’re closed till 2!
You know it never ceases to amaze
What sort of people we get these days!
So keep the door shut!
Let no one in!
Just keep the door shut, you’ll never win!!
You give in one inch, then it’s too late!
How can you know what strangers outside wait?