Billy Mays vs Ben Franklin lyrics

Ben Franklin:

I'm big Ben Franklin, and this shan't be pretty!

Let me instruct you how we battle in the city of Philly!

You couldn't sell Rick James a bag of crack! You're out of practice!

My victory's more certain than death or taxes!

Fact is, you're a hack, wack QVC joke!

You peddle soap that cleans bird shit from my windows!

I'll craft a lyrical coffin and then spit the nails in!

Call me Arthur Miller, son, 'cause it's death of a salesman!

Billy Mays:

Hi, Billy Mays here with a special TV offer!

Watch me crush this bald, fat, foppish founding father!

I'll take my Awesome Auger and sow your Quaker Oats!

I'll shoot your rhymes down like a regiment of redcoats!

I'm lord of the pitch and leader in home sales!

You're just a lumpy pumpkin who invented the mail!

Benny's got kite 'n key, but you're in for a shock

When I strike you with bolts from my lightning rod cock!

Ben Franklin:

Stop! I protest these intolerable raps!

It takes just one easy payment for me to whoop your ass,

'Cause I'm mint; I'm money! I'm an educated gentleman,

So join or die, Bill, 'cause it's all about the Benjamin!

Billy Mays:

But wait, there's more…!

Announcer:

Is there anyone out there who can finish this battle?

Anyone?

Anyone…

Vince Offer:

I can.

You following me, camera guy? 'Cause it's about to get furious!

You're gonna love my nuts until you're bi-focal-curious!

Your boy George chopped down trees. You couldn't break a piece of balsa!

Slap Chop your face, make a double chin salsa!

Your style is so broke, they call you "Poor Richard"!

It's bad enough I gotta see you every time I tip a stripper!

Vince against a founding father is just too bad,

'Cause after this America is gonna lose a dad!