The Rundown: No One On Television Is Having Less Fun Than King Viserys On ‘House Of The Dragon’

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

I’ll be honest here: I did not expect to enjoy House of the Dragon this much. I thought I was done with Game of Thrones and all of its various kings and queens and magic and such. I started watching only because it was kind of an obligation for this job. (I am very professional.) But now, a few weeks into it all, I find myself hooked all over again. It’s a truly shocking development. No one is more surprised by it than me. And there’s one main reason why it’s happened: King Viserys and the misery that is constantly stretched across his poor face.

Look at this guy.

Look at him try to hide the fact that he’s just having the worst time anyone has ever had while also sitting on a throne and commanding a squadron of fire-breathing dragons.

I love him so much. I get excited whenever he shows up on screen, kind of like I did whenever Philip Jennings showed up to mope his way through a scene on The Americans. I think if Viserys ever experiences actual happiness, even for a moment, I will be so disappointed I might stay in bed the following Monday. His misery is fueling me right now. I feel okay about it.

To be fair, the man does have legitimate reasons to be having a bad time. For one, his… uh, flesh is kind of rotting and falling off of his body. Which does not seem fun.

And then there’s the thing with his daughter’s wedding, which featured both of them making these faces before any of the real messy stuff went down. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more accurate representation of raising and being a teenager. It could be the poster for a CBS sitcom about a single dad. It’s thrilling to me.

Then these things happened at the wedding:

Look at these two.

Sooooo yeah. My dude has every right to constantly look like he threw up in his mouth a little bit and decided to swallow it. The next episode jumps forward 10 years from the end of this one. Viserys is still alive, somehow, despite his own body and offspring and wife trying to kill him in various ways. This is great news. For me. Probably not for him. Which makes it great news for me. I hope he lives forever and mopes around like a royal Charlie Brown for six seasons. I hope he frowns so hard his whole face slides off of his skull, which it actually might, given the flesh thing we mentioned earlier. I had no clue I needed to see Paddy Considine doing this much face-acting on a show about dragons and incest, but here we are.

One more for the road.

This poor miserable dope. I hope he is never happy for another day in his life. Again, for me. It’s nothing personal. Kind of.

Here’s what happened, and I need you to stay with me on this one: 9-1-1 returned this week with an episode that opened in the sky, in a blimp, where the pilot and co-pilot were having a conversation about a nosy mother-in-law, for kind of a while as they floated through the clouds. If you read that sentence and started thinking “Hmm, if I know anything about 9-1-1 from all the times Brian has rambled about it, it sure sounds like something crazy is going to happen to this blimp,” congratulations, you are very intuitive. Or you saw the screencap at the top of this section with the flaming blimp. Or both. There are a lot of ways you could have figured this one out. The artwork for this season full-on featured a crashing blimp. I just wrote about it the other week. This was the worst-kept secret in television history.

Anyway, they dialed 9-1-1 from the clouds and had this conversation with Jennifer Love Hewitt, who, if we are to believe this show, handles every emergency call in Los Angeles.

Perfect. Succinct, accurate, objectively hilarious. No notes from me. My only complaint is that I’ve never had a legitimate opportunity in my life to use the phrase “we have a blimp emergency.” There’s still time, but I will need to hurry.

But yes, they were correct, the blimp went down, straight into a soccer stadium. I need to stress to you that the whole series of events looked like it cost the production about $85. It was great. Look at this.

Okay, stick with me some more, because here’s where things get crazy, and yes I realize we’ve already seen a blimp crash into a stadium. To the bullet points:

Which is great. Classic 9-1-1 piece of business. Very proud of everyone involved. But here’s the best part. Look at this screencap from the aftermath of it all…

Do you see it

Do you see the credits on the screen in the corner

That’s right.

All of this happened before the opening credits had finished.

BEFORE THE OPENING CREDITS HAD FINISHED.

We were not even 10 minutes into the episode and all of this had already happened.

What a beautiful television program.

Two pieces of Peaky Blinders-related news, both kind of incredible in their own way. First, this, which I can’t believe is true: The people who made Peaky Blinders — the gritty and violent British drama where bootleggers smoke cigarettes and fight each other, often while covered in about an inch of industrial soot — are bringing it to the stage for a dance-heavy production. Please read this.

“Through dance theatre ‘Peaky Blinders: The Redemption of Thomas Shelby’ picks up the story of the Peaky Blinders at the end of World War One, following Tommy Shelby and Grace Burgess through their passionate love affair,” reads the logline. “While Tommy is building his empire, Grace is operating as an undercover agent for Special Branch on a mission to get close to the heart of Tommy’s gang. As the story unfolds, many hearts are broken.”

That’s… it’s fascinating. It would be like if David Chase made a dancing Sopranos musical, which I now want to see more than anything else in the world. Show me Paulie Walnuts sashaying into a restaurant and gliding to his table. I am so mad this doesn’t exist. Dammit. I did this to myself.

And yet, somehow, this is not the wildest Peaky-related story of the week. Not even close. How could it be when Tom Hardy — who played a mumble-mouthed bootlegger on the show — is just running around winning martial arts tournaments in his spare time. From a local news report in Europe.

Danny Appleby, from Ormesby, was stunned when he discovered his opponent at a Jiu-Jitsu tournament at the weekend was Mad Max Fury Road actor Tom Hardy.

The 44-year-old star turned up unannounced at the REORG Open Jiu-Jitsu Championship in Wolverhampton.

This is probably my favorite thing… maybe ever Definitely this week. Tom Hardy — BANE — is just popping up to whomp on dudes in his free time. It’s somehow both shocking and not surprising at all, given everything we know and don’t know about Tom Hardy. I must know more. Let’s read on.

“It’s been crazy on social media,” he says, “I was waiting match-side for the semi-final in Wolverhampton when Tom showed up. I didn’t know he was going to be there. And they expected me to remain composed,” he laughs.

“I recognised him straightaway. Everyone knows who Tom Hardy is, don’t they

“I was shell-shocked. He said ‘just forget it’s me and do what you would normally do’.”

Ugggghhhh this is so cool. It’s so cool it actually bothers me a little bit. Like, come on, Tom Hardy. Chill out a little. The rest of us have to be out here too, and we just cannot compete with “an A-list movie star who sometimes shows up at little jiu-jitsu tournaments for kicks and wins adorable little victory certificates.”

Oh. Wait. I’m sorry. Did I not already mention the adorable little victory certificate Because that actually might be the best part of all of this. I mean…