Just Run Over The Murder Doll With Your Car

HEY

HEY

LISTEN

JUST RUN OVER THE MURDER DOLL WITH YOUR CAR

FREAKING FLATTEN IT

IF YOU THINK IT DID A MURDER

OR EVEN IF YOU THINK IT MIGHT DO A MURDER

OR IF YOU SUSPECT IT OF OTHER CRIMES

LIKE MAYBE IF YOU THINK A LIFELIKE DOLL MIGHT BE STEALING YOUR IDENTITY ONLINE WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING

CHARGING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF DOLL DRESSES TO YOUR CREDIT CARD

THAT’S NOT OKAY, EITHER

DRAG IT INTO THE DRIVEWAY AND SMUSH IT

EVEN IF IT JUST LOOKS AT YOU WEIRD ONE TIME

LIKE, IF YOUR DOLL LOOKS AT YOU LIKE THIS

OR THIS

OR THIS

THAT SHOULD BE IT

PUT IT DOWN BEHIND YOUR REAR TIRES AND ROLL RIGHT OVER IT

THEN PUT THE CAR IN DRIVE AND RUN OVER IT AGAIN FORWARDS

SPLINTER THAT DEAD-EYED FREAK

IT’S NOT EVEN A CRIME

YOU CAN’T GO TO JAIL FOR RUNNING OVER YOUR OWN DOLL ON PURPOSE IN YOUR DRIVEWAY

THE NEIGHBORS MIGHT LOOK AT YOU WEIRD, I GUESS

BUT I BET THEY’D PREFER HAVING A STRANGE NEIGHBOR WHO RUNS OVER DOLLS SOMETIMES THAN BEING MURDERED BY A KNIFE-WIELDING PLASTIC DEMON

YOU ARE DOING THEM A FAVOR

EVEN IF THEY DON’T REALIZE IT

YOU CAN’T BE TOO CAREFUL

IT’S HAPPENED TOO MANY TIMES

THE THING WHERE A DOLL DOES MURDER

REMEMBER CHUCKY

REMEMBER ANNABELLE

AND NOW M3GAN

LOOK AT THIS THING

ABSOLUTELY NOT

YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY

YOU HAVE TO PROTECT THE COMMUNITY

FROM THE MURDER

DON’T WORRY ABOUT HOW PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU WHEN YOU DO IT

PEOPLE PROBABLY THOUGHT BATMAN WAS WEIRD AT FIRST, TOO

“WHY IS THAT GUY DRESSING LIKE A BAT TO FIGHT CRIME”

“WHY ISN’T HE DRESSED LIKE SOMETHING SCARIER, LIKE A DINOSAUR OR A BEAR WITH CIRCULAR SAWS FOR HANDS”

DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

IT’S FOR YOUR PROTECTION, SHARON

JESUS CHRIST

RUN OVER ALL YOUR DOLLS, ACTUALLY

ONE COULD COME TO LIFE TONIGHT AND HAVE VIOLENCE IN ITS HEART

YOU DON’T KNOW

PUT ALL THE DOLLS IN A SACK RIGHT NOW AND CRUNCH THEM UNDER THE WHEELS OF YOUR SUBARU

OR AT LEAST SET ALL OF THEM UP IN THE YARD FACED TOWARD THE DRIVEWAY WHILE YOU RUN OVER ONE

TO SEND A MESSAGE

ALTHOUGH THAT MIGHT BACKFIRE

THAT COULD LEAD TO A “JOHN WICK’S DOG” SITUATION

WHERE THE DOLLS ARE OUT FOR REVENGE NOW

ALSO, THAT WOULD BE EVEN TOUGHER TO EXPLAIN TO THE NEIGHBORS

JUST RUN THEM ALL OVER

RUN OVER ALL THE MURDER DOLLS

AND POTENTIAL MURDER DOLLS

ANY TOY WITH EYES

DON’T RUN OVER THE MUPPETS, THOUGH

THEY’RE COOL

ALL THE REST, THOUGH

TO BE SAFE

LISTEN TO ME

THANK YOU