Trying, One Last Time, To Like “Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull”

There’s no movie I’ve tried this hard in my life to like, and failed, than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Okay, Star Trek: The Motion Picture comes close, but I’ve always appreciated its beauty and the director’s cut is a vast improvement. And, of course, there are many acclaimed movies that I can appreciate while realizing, well, this just “isn’t for me.”

But, in theory, I should like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And watching Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny made me rethink this. Is Dial of Destiny as good as the original three Indiana Jones movies No. But it’s not trying to be that. It’s its own thing and, taken as such, I found it a highly enjoyable (and somewhat nuts) adventure. There is no way to recreate the original three Indy adventures. None. There’s only one Harrison Ford and he’s 80 years old now. And he’s still great, as busy as ever. But when the first three movies came out he was in his prime as a movie star. (Not as an actor, but maybe. Though I could make the case he’s doing some of his best work now.) The new movie is very much about an Indiana Jones who is not in his prime and knows that. So my negative feelings toward Crystal Skull are not that. So what is it Why won’t Crystal Skull let me like it Cate Blanchett plays a Russian villain! When you say that out loud, that sounds great!

There is a rhythm and formula to the Indiana Jones movies that is, basically, they are grounded movies, until they are not. Basically, nothing too crazy happens, except for the one thing. Now, this doesn’t have to be one event at the end like what happens at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. In Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones becomes a zombie halfway through, but we accept this because pretty much everything that happens inside the temple is supernatural. So, once inside … anything goes. (Yes, that’s a purposeful pun.) The problem with Crystal Skull is that formula is broken. Too many unrelated unbelievable things happen, to the point a viewer is just left thinking, “This is ridiculous.” I truly think the “unrelated” part is key here.

Even with the Star Wars prequels, I walked out of each midnight screening liking them. It was only later I realized, hm, maybe I don’t (Though I’ve come around on Attack of the Clones being so absurd that it’s good. It’s the only prequel that knows what it is.) The Prequels and Crystal Skull were before I did this job for a living. I was a paying customer and I wanted to like every movie. (To be fair, I still do want to like every movie, but now I am forced to face facts when I don’t.) Crystal Skull, my reaction was immediate. I saw it at midnight at the Ziegfeld and then, immediately after, texted my friend Rob in St. Louis, who I knew was still watching it, an hour behind me, to express my dissatisfaction. And then, over the years since, I’ve done my best to avoid it. Every now and then it will be on television and I watch the first few minutes thinking, “This isn’t that bad,” then Mutt Williams rides in dressed like Marlon Brando and it becomes, “Oh … right. Yikes.”

Which is to say, I don’t mind Indy surviving the nuclear explosion. (Just rereading that sentence sounds ridiculous.) But it is a big ask and if this were somehow part of the finale, where the powers of the Crystal Skull saved Indy from the explosion, yeah that lines up with the rest of the movies. But, no, he just lives because he found some lead. Which, again, fine … but then you start adding all this up: Mutt swinging from vine to vine with monkeys, landing a tank on a branch, Mac changing allegiances multiple times, etc … it becomes too much. Okay, yes, I know what you’re thinking: Oh, but in Temple of Doom they jump out of an airplane with an inflatable raft and live! Yes, that true, but here’s the difference: It looks cool! No one mentions this, but viewers will forgive unbelievable plot points if what they are looking at looks cool! The scene with the raft is undeniably cool! Mutt Williams swinging with monkeys looks the opposite of cool! And I think, there, is the main fault of Crystal Skull … the unbelievable parts also happen to look stupid or silly.

Actually, Raiders of the Lost Ark came really close to making this mistake. When Indy leaves the ship and gets on top of the submarine on the way to the island to open the Ark, we don’t really think about what happens in-between. I think I always assumed he made his way into the submarine and just, somehow, hid. But, no, Spielberg filmed Indy just holding onto the periscope the whole way while the rest of the submarine is underwater. It looks stupid! And Spielberg was very correct to make sure people didn’t see this!

Maybe some of that can be forgiven with a good payoff. But that’s something Crystal Skull is lacking. I just rewatched this movie again and I still can’t tell you exactly what the Skull even does. I can tell you, yes, it turns into an inter-dimensional being and just kind of vanishes in its inter-dimensional spacecraft, or whatever. Even Indiana Jones seems confused at the end. If he turned to the camera, shrugged, and said, “It’s a living!,” it would not be out of character for this movie. In every other movie, including Dial of Destiny, Indiana Jones knows exactly what’s going on by the end. In Crystal Skull he’s as baffled as the rest of us.

To be honest, rewatching now, I don’t hate it as much as I used to. I actively try to like it and it won’t let me. This past time, I got somewhere close to, “It’s fine,” but with huge caveats. I always love Harrison Ford in this role and I’d rather it exist as “this weird fourth one,” than not. But, even coming to terms with it, there are just one too many, “yikes,” moments.

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