A Close Reading Of The Press Release For The New ‘Fast & Furious’ Live Show

Fast & Furious is movies, but what if it was also real life This is a poorly-worded question that many prominent thinkers (just me) have pondered (had fever dreams about). What if a California street racer and fugitive were our country’s only hope against tech-savvy British super criminals What would 24-hour news be like if multiple skyscrapers in Abu Dhabi were destroyed by an airborne multimillion-dollar sports car and a handsome bald man with a bazooka What if Ludacris was a secret computer genius All reasonable questions that deserve answers.

And now, we are poised to get those answers. Kind of. Not really. Okay, I’ll be honest: We are definitely not getting those answers. Not today, at least. (Although if you want to have a brief or five-hour conversation about it, my door is always open.) But we are getting a Fast & Furious live arena show, which is probably as close to “real-life Fast & Furious” as we’re ever going to get.

The people responsible for the new live show announced it in a press release. It is quite a document, especially when you consider things that have transpired in the franchise. Let’s do a close reading. I think that will help.

Audiences can now get ready for the ultimate adrenaline rush as one of the world’s most popular and enduring film serials of all time, Fast & Furious, speeds into the live-entertainment arena. Universal has joined forces with Brand Events to present Fast & Furious Live, a global live-arena tour, it was announced today.

What kind of live-arena tour are we talking here One that transports fans straight into some of the most memorable scenes and stunts from the films

Debuting in January 2018, the adrenaline-fueled show will transport fans straight into some of the most memorable scenes and stunts from the films.

Ahhh.

Fast & Furious Live brings to life the physics-defying stunts that have defined the eight-film franchise. Using the most advanced technology and featuring all the favorite cars from the blockbuster series, Fast & Furious Live will evoke the most audacious moments from the beloved series.

One assumes the word “evoke” is very important here. It gives them some wiggle room, like how “based on a true story” allows movies to make real-life events more dramatic, but in reverse. I say this because, well… let’s just look at an incomplete list of things that have happened in the movie franchise, all of which could be difficult to pull off inside a stadium and on an arena-tour budget:

Actually, I suppose that last one won’t be hard to re-create. Still. It was hilarious.

Audiences will feel the heat from flaming exhausts and marvel at mind-blowing vehicular acrobatics as scene after scene unfolds with the most immersive, entertaining technology imaginable.

The most entertaining technology imaginable, eh Mighty bold claim, sirs. Because I can imagine some pretty crazy technology. Like, um…

Ummmmm…

Like…

Uh…

Lasers

I’ll get back to you on this one.

Re-creating the underground streets of Los Angeles to locations that crisscross the globe, Fast & Furious Live allows fans to relive the most extreme action as precision performance drivers—surrounded by blockbuster set design, authentic digital projections and state-of-the-art physical obstacles—execute pulse-pounding stunts.

The only real question I have about this part is whether the show will acknowledge Tokyo Drift. I hope Bow Wow shows up. I hope the dramatic mid-point of the show is a vivid re-imagining of Han’s death, like a super-artistic version you’d expect from an opening ceremony at the Olympics. I hope it costs millions of dollars and bankrupts everyone involved.

At this point, we will skip over a few paragraphs to get to the closing.

Executive producers Chris Hughes and James Cooke-Priest, along with writer/director Rowland French, are the team from Brand Events who previously created and toured Top Gear Live. “We’re incredibly proud to announce our partnership with Universal. Together, with a groundbreaking show, we will be bringing Fast & Furious to life in arenas around the world. This is set to be the most spectacular live-automotive production in history,” said Cooke-Priest.

If we get to 2020 and still don’t have a “Fast & Furious ON ICE” world tour, I will be both shocked and livid. And if that sentence didn’t make you instantly imagine Vin Diesel trying to figure skate, please take a moment to do so now. Really go all out, too. Triple Salchows and such. My gift to you.