‘The Americans’ Anxiety Report: Everyone Has Problems, Some People Are Buried In A Hole

The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

Unranked: Hans

I suppose, technically, the time for worrying about Hans has come to an end now that he is dead and buried in a box with a Russian chemist who died of a weaponized virus that liquified his insides as he writhed in pain on a bed inside an American military hospital while two FBI agents interrogated him through germ-resistant glass. But I’m still kind of sad for him. That’s probably not the legacy he was looking for while Elizabeth was training him. “Hans was a doof who fell in a ditch and was killed to prevent starting a plague through sheer incompetence.” There are better things to have on your tombstone.

Although I guess Hans doesn’t really have to worry about the whole tombstone thing, huh Silver linings.

10. Philip’s Sons

Do you ever get the feeling that Henry could up and join the circus and no one in his family would notice until he got good enough at the trapeze to make the newspaper. Like, Philip sees a headline that says “Local Teen Reaches New, Exciting Heights As An Acrobat” and then looks at the picture and says, “Elizabeth, have you seen Henry lately” I think about it a lot.

My point here is that I’m not worried about Henry’s safety, beyond a general worry that comes with being the son of murderous Russian spies living in America during the Cold War. I’m just worried the lack of attention will make him act out. He’ll be smoking cigarettes by midseason, I know it. Especially once Philip’s Russian son tracks them down with his fake passports and shows up on their doorstep. That will be weird.

9. Elizabeth

Training your daughter in hand-to-hand combat as a way to combat night terrors related to you stabbing a homeless man in the neck is an unconventional form of mother-daughter bonding, sure. But baby steps.

Also, she was sent on a mission that involved cutting a chunk of flesh off of a highly contagious, diseased corpse that was buried 10 feet underground by the United States government. So she has some job stress, too.

8. Tuan

Tuan seems as well-adjusted as any teenage double-agent living in a large suburban house by himself and operating a light switch ruse every night to trick the neighborhood into thinking he has parents. My bigger concern is that he doesn’t like The A-Team. Who the hell doesn’t like The A-Team I’m worried about the kid’s soul here.

7. Philip

One day the stress of all of this will make Philip curl up into a ball and cry salty tears into his fake mustache.

6. Philip’s back

Is it weird that I watched that super-extended hole-digging sequence at the end and came out of it worried about Philip’s back but not Elizabeth’s Part of it is that Philip is a middle-aged man and middle-aged men seem to acquire back injuries just by looking at shovels. Part of it is that I’ve seen too many sitcoms where a dad throws out his back and wacky hijinks ensue while he’s stuck on the couch or floor. But most of it, I think, is that I’m starting to view Elizabeth as indestructible. Lady is strong.

5. Oleg

This will end poorly for Oleg. I’m not sure how, exactly. Or when. But I do know this for certain. His new job is creating potential conflicts and his mom looks a little too happy about him being “safe” at home for all of this to work out in the end. We’ve covered this before: The surest sign tragedy is about to befall a character on The Americans is them smiling, even once, just a little, especially if they’ve just “gotten out.” We call this The Frank Gaad Theory.

4. The Russian family with the sad son and loud dad

Lumped together for now until I get a better feel for them. The son is a mopey, angsty teen mess, which is understandable because his parents just moved him to a new country and dropped him in an American high school, which is probably not ideal for a mid-puberty Russian during the Cold War. The mom appears to be a giant pile of nerves about everything and she’s confiding in an undercover Elizabeth, which has not worked out well at all for housewives on this show, historically. (Poor Young-Hee.) And the husband’s anti-Russia ranting could cause issues for him, whether it’s Philip and Elizabeth using it as a lever to extract information or Tuan getting fed up and hitting him with a plate during a dinner.

I should also note here that if the dad swings way far American, like wearing an American flag windbreaker and a Yankees hat everywhere, he will instantly become my favorite character on this show.

3. Oleg’s Mom

Everything I said about Oleg, but now picture her face when it happens. Moms take these things hard. That’s why we worry.

2. Stan

I covered this at length earlier this week. Look how happy he is right now. He even met a woman. Kind of. Almost. He’s doomed.

1. Paige

Man, being a teenage girl seems hard enough, before you pile on things like:

Poor Paige.