‘The Americans’ Anxiety Report: Meanwhile, In A Russian Supermarket

The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

10. Renee (Last week: 8)

Stan’s cool new beer-drinking lady-Philip girlfriend slides to 10th in the rankings this week mostly on account of not being on screen even for a moment. But that doesn’t mean she wasn’t up to something. She could have been up to a lot of things. Like, for example, spying on Stan. Or jazzercizing at the gym and not doing and espionage. My point is that I still have no read on her. She’s either the most diabolical character on the show or a perfectly nice lady who fell into a snake pit. I have my eye on you, Renee.

9. The Morozov Family (Last week: 6)

The Russian family also slides in our rankings this week, through little to no fault of their own. There was just a lot going on this week, and short of my momentary concern that Tuan was going to smash the father in the head with a bowling ball (my streak of wondering if Tuan is going to smash the father in the head with something has now reached three weeks), I feel safe putting them on the back burner. Bigger fish to fry.

I swear to God, Tuan is murdering that dad, though. Write it in stone.

7. (tie) Philip and Elizabeth (Last week: 9 and 7, respectively)

Two things:

– You cannot imagine the amount of joy I felt when I saw Philip in a cowboy hat and sunglasses for this week’s alias. Part of me wonders if they’re just running out of fun new disguises to give him (“they” meaning both the KGB and this television program), but a bigger part of me doesn’t care. I hope he does a mission in full-on Ziggy Stardust regalia in the final season. I want to see that order come in and I want to see Gabriel hand him the garment bag, and when Philip scoffs I want Gabriel to do that thing where he sighs and says “the Centre wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

– Based on nothing but that highly-choreographed shove-into-backward-neck-snap maneuver that ended Randy’s life, I feel very confident in awarding Philip and Elizabeth a shot at the Legion of Doom at Summerslam, with the WWF tag team title belt on the line.

Poor Randy.

6. Matthew (Last week: Not ranked)

It dawned on me last night that this will not end well for young Matthew Beeman. There are really only three potential outcomes: one, he gets his heart broken; two, he gets caught up in this somehow and has his life ruined; or three, Paige comes clean and her parents get arrested and she and Matthew run off to live together in the woods, constantly in fear of Russian retribution. Everything the Jennings touch turns to poison. Remember that.

5. Stan (Last week: 3)

Admittedly, this is more just carryover fear. It was a low-stakes episode for Stan, just trolling diners and bathrooms looking for sources and whatnot. Still, I worry, especially with Oleg having the tape now. I also want to know how Stan’s date at the restaurant with the see-through piano went. I choose to believe Renee was going to hide something in the piano — listening device, gun, bomb — but her plan was thwarted when she saw it was clear. I still don’t know why I’m so suspicious of her. But I am.

You know what From now on, only see-through instruments around Renee. Can’t be too careful.

4. Paige (Last week: 2)

Did you catch the thing Paige did When her parents came home and Paige was like “Hey guys” and then she saw the look on their faces and said “What” Watch it again. It’s almost like she’s become the parent and is finding new ways to be disappointed with her troublesome kids every week. Paige’s entire spirit is just shattered at this point. I feel so bad for her.

3. Oleg (Last week: 1)

Oleg seems to be settling into his role as Tangerine Cop, which is nice, because I kind of like Oleg now, to the degree an American born in the 1980s can like a Russian spy. But now that he knows the CIA has the tape of him and Stan, and that they’ll use it to squeeze him, even if it means getting him killed by his countrymen, I mean…

Oleg is extremely hosed.

2. Mischa (Last week: Not ranked)

I’m no expert in border crossing father hunts that rely on knapsacks filled with passports and the assistance of shady unshaven men who only appear after you’ve convinced skeptical doormen of your legitimacy, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Mischa’s is going “bad.” Yes, let’s go with “bad.”

Also, please consider this your periodic reminder that his plot is less stressful if you picture him as Fievel Mousekewitz from An American Tale. It would be easier if he had a big floppy hat, Maybe next week.

1. Martha (Last week: 10)

MARTHAAAAAAA.