‘The Americans’ Anxiety Report: Someone Please Get Mischa An Umbrella

The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

10. Oleg’s Dad (Last week: Not ranked)

Oleg’s dad just wants his son to settle down and be happy. Find a nice lady, have a few kids, maybe buy a little house a few blocks away so the grandkids can waddle over every now and then. Classic grandpa goals. What’s so wrong with that I mean, besides the fact that his methods involve inviting three young women over to compete for his son’s affection at the same dinner table like some sort of absurd awkward ambush Dating Game spinoff where you can see the contestants’ humiliated faces and one element of your decision involves the preparation of mashed potatoes.

He’s trying. That’s all I’m saying.

9. Oleg’s Dinner Guests (Last week: Not ranked)

Those poor girls. My God. Imagine how awkward that whole thing must have been, especially during the wait for Oleg to come back from work. Do you think the first one to show up just thought it was going to be her there, alone And then the second one showed up and she was like, “Wait a second…” and then the third showed up and she was like “What the hell” What about that third one, walking into a house with a covered dish, ready to meet an eligible young man, only to see two other women already at the table, just as confused as she is. And what if Oleg had hit it off with one of them Would the other two have stayed through dessert, just twiddling their thumbs and wanting to crawl under the floor and into the cold Soviet dirt to escape the whole situation

It’s not ideal.

8. Assorted American Bug Scientists (Last week: 5)

Ben and Deirdre are safe now — mostly, probably — thanks to the revelation that Ben is trying to produce bug-resistant grain and not grain-destroying bugs, but they still make the list as a reminder that no American bug scientist is ever really safe. Mistakes happen, after all. Poor Randy. He never did anything to anyone. He was just some dork who didn’t know enough facts and SNAP that was the end of him. Reminder to stay on your toes out there, scientists. You never know.

They also make the list because Deirdre might still have information to provide based on the Lotus 1-2-3 program, and Ben might get whacked with a cookie sheet someday for being an insufferable know-it-all doof.

7. The Russian Mom (Last week: Not ranked)

Housewives who get close to Elizabeth usually suffer terrible fates. Let’s put this at third on our list of bad omens, just behind “anyone smiling ever” and “someone having moderate success at work.” And we can actually file this under that last one too, kind of, because now she might have a job in the more secretive parts of the United States government. She’s doomed. Hopelessly, irrevocably doomed.

6. Henry (Last week: Not ranked)

The funniest part of this episode — admittedly a very tiny hurdle to clear — was Philip and Elizabeth making shocked faces at each other upon discovering their only son is good at math. The second funniest part is the fact that Henry — the forgotten child who gets so little screen time that I legitimately wondered if the character was recast between seasons two separate times — might actually be a better potential spy than Paige, the child they are grooming for the life.

Think about it: He’s a math whiz, he’s good with computers, he’s got like three girlfriends, and he’s doing it all so far under the radar that his parents — highly trained Russian operatives — had no idea any of it was happening. He’s already a better spy than Stan, probably. More on this in a second.

(UPDATE: A previous version of this post mistakenly referred to Henry as Matthew multiple times. If I had done that on purpose to prove my point about him being overlooked, it would have been the funniest thing in here, by miles. I regret the error. Kind of.)

5. Oleg (Last week: 3)

Am I a big fan of Oleg and his new partner immediately developing a relationship in which the partner is the hard-nosed, no-nonsense older cop who has seen it all and Oleg is the cool cop in the bomber jacket who hangs back and smirks a lot, like a Russian version of Lethal Weapon but about illegitimately obtained produce

I think you know I am.

4. Paige (Last week: 2)

We’ve seen plenty of devastating moments on this show, but I challenge any of you to name one more gut-wrenching than Paige picking at sad leftover Chinese food and telling her father she’s worried she’s already so messed up that she’ll be incapable of loving or trusting anyone for the rest of her life. Like, damn, right That was some heavy, heavy stuff.

Also, did you see it Did you see Paige do the finger thing while talking to Matthew

Enhance!

Poor Paige.

3. Stan (Last week: 1)

I am very pleased to see that Philip is now suspicious of Renee, too. I knew something was up with her. You can just tell. Although I guess Philip being suspicious isn’t really a great barometer right now, what with the whole Randy thing we just discussed. I don’t know. I still think Renee is hiding something. Hopefully Philip and his hilarious fake old man beard uncover it before it’s too late. It really doesn’t say a lot for Stan or the FBI that he’s not even the tiniest bit suspicious of her, the perfect, sports-loving, beer-drinking blonde who descended from the heavens as though God Himself had created her for him, a simple, lonely counterintelligence officer with a history of getting compromised and blinded by love. Come on, guy. I’m pulling for you here, but you’re not making it easy.

2. Mischa (Last week: 4)

You remember the thing at the end of Men in Black 2 when Tommy Lee Jones breaks the news to Rosario Dawson that she’s a powerful cosmic force This part:

“When you get sad it always seems to rain.”

“Lots of people get sad when it rains.”

“It rains because you’re sad, baby.”

Of course you don’t. You’re a normal, well-adjusted person. But I’m not, so I do, and it was something that popped into my mind after the third time — the third separate day — we saw Mischa walking around Washington D.C. in the rain, without an umbrella. Maybe Mischa is causing that to happen. It’s a long shot, I know. But we’ve yet to see anything that disproves it. Worth noting.

Also worth noting: Between the Paige scene, the Henry business, and the scene with Mischa and Gabriel in the gazebo, this was a goddamn heartbreaking episode for Philip’s children. Which conveniently brings us to…

1. Philip (Last week: 6)

Let’s look at some randomly selected screen caps of Philip’s face from this episode.

Philip is doing great.