Four Imagined Scenes From The New Purge-Free ‘Purge’ TV Show

Earlier this week, a Purge TV show became a reality, with USA and Syfy both agreeing to air a 10-episode series based on the popular movies. The catch is, the series will focus on the 364 days a year when the Purge doesn’t take place. The Purge TV show will be Purge-less. Honestly, it will probably be fine. It might even be good. But we’re still going to have fun with it anyway.

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A young married couple, Brent and Sarah, has been planning a vacation. Sarah bounds into the living room with good news.

SARAH: Great news, I just booked our Italian vacation.

BRENT: Oh, nice.

SARAH: Our flight leaves on March 17 and we come back on the 31st. I called the hotel and they said th-… what’s wrong You’re making a face.

BRENT: It’s just… if we’re in Italy on the 21st…

SARAH: Oh God. Is this about the stupid Purge

BRENT: I don’t wanna miss it! Me and the guys were gonna go to Best Buy and purge new big screen TVs.

SARAH: Ugh, why don’t you just buy a new TV You make $250,000 a year at the law firm. You don’t have to steal one.

BRENT: [muttering] It’s not the same.

SARAH: Well, I’m sorry, but the vacation has been booked. We’ll be in Italy. You’ll just have to take one year off of purging.

BRENT: [still muttering] Well then maybe I’ll just purge myself some gelato while we’re there.

SARAH: What was that

BRENT: Nothing.

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A man, Henry, rushes into Wal-Mart the night before the Purge. The shelves are mostly empty. Henry is panicked. He tracks down an employee.

HENRY: Hey, do you have anything I can use in the Purge tomorrow Like, weapons

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Isn’t it a little late to be Purge shopping, sir

HENRY: I know, I know. I was just so busy. Do you guys have any guns left

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope, outta guns.

HENRY: Hunting knives

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Outta them, too.

HENRY: Regular knives, like for the kitchen

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope.

HENRY: Baseball bats Hockey sticks Golf clubs

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Just sold my last set of clubs not 20 minutes ago.

HENRY: Well, do you have anything I can use

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I got a rake.

HENRY: A rake

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yup.

HENRY: How am I supposed to purge with a rake

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I’ve seen people purge with a rake.

HENRY: I… is it at least a metal rake Or does it have a wooden shaft I can sharpen into a spear

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope. Plastic. It’s one of those little children’s rakes.

HENRY: Hold on. You’re telling me the only thing even resembling a weapon in this entire store is a plastic children’s rake

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir.

HENRY: But you can’t kill someone with a plastic children’s rake.

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I suppose not. Seems to be the point, actually. Can’t have kids getting hurt and all.

HENRY: Ugh. Okay, fine. Give me the rake. I’ll figure something out. Lemme just go grab some Sour Patch Kids and I’ll meet you at the register.

WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: We’re out of Sour Patch Kids.

HENRY: Dammit!

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Trevor, age 33, throws open the front door of his modest two-bedroom home in his quiet development and charges outside at 7:15 AM, dressed in all black and an orange mask that he has written “EVIL” on in black magic marker. He smashes his neighbor’s mailbox with a baseball bat

TREVOR: PURGE, MOTHERF*CKERS!

Trevor looks around and realizes no one else is purging. His neighbor, Carl, whose mailbox he just smashed, is standing in his driveway, holding his just-delivered newspaper.

CARL: Purge is tomorrow, Trevor.

TREVOR: Oh.

They both look at Carl’s mangled mailbox.

TREVOR: Uh… sorry, Carl.

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Three friends, Alanna, Becky, and Julia, are at a fancy downtown coffee shop, deep in conversation.

BECKY: … and that wasn’t even the worst one. Look at this.

JULIA: Oh my God, is he wearing a fedora and holding a snake

BECKY: Look closer.

JULIA: Wait… is that…

ALANNA: A second snake

BECKY: Yup.

JULIA: I dare you to swipe right.

BECKY: No!

ALANNA: Hey, whatever happened to that other guy, Paul

BECKY: Paul was nice, I guess. There just wasn’t any magic there. And he did that weird thing with his throat.

JULIA: The phlegm

BECKY: You noticed, too

JULIA: Oh, we all noticed.

ALANNA: Yeah. It was like he was trying to cough up a whole oyster, but constantly.

BECKY: [Laughing.] Alanna!

ALANNA: Sorry. It’s true, though.

JULIA: Okay okay, who’s next after Two Snakes Lemme see.

BECKY: Hold on. I’ll pull it up. Hey, by the way… does this coffee taste, I dunno, different to you guys

ALANNA: Yeah, it’s not the same without the old barista. He was an artist. What was his name Paulo

JULIA: Yeah! Paulo! I miss that guy.

ALANNA: We shouldn’t have killed him during the last Purge.

JULIA: Yeah.

BECKY: Why did we do that again, anyway

ALANNA: They stopped serving those little hazelnut biscotti.

JULIA: Ahhh, right. I remember now. I guess that really wasn’t even his fault, now that I think about.

BECKY: Hmm. You’re probably right. Okay, next up is… oh no. This one is holding a snake, too!