‘Game Of Thrones’ Death Watch: Ain’t Nobody Killing A Dragon With A Dang Crossbow

The Game of Thrones Death Watch is a weekly roundup of who died and who looks like they might be headed for death, written by me, a person who has not read the books and will go a long, long way to make a very stupid joke. This is what we’re doing here. This is not science. Please do not yell at me

Season 7, Episode 2 – “Stormborn”

A couple of Sand Snakes

We lost two of three Sand Snakes this week. My first reaction upon seeing this was about as meh as one can be about two teenagers getting murdered and having their corpses displayed on the front of a burning warship (no, you’re desensitized by televised violence), because no one likes or cares about the Sand Snakes. But then I read an interview with one of the Sand Snake actresses in which she discussed her frustration with the situation and made some really good points about how the characters never got a fair shake, and now I feel a little bad. Bad enough to, say, wish they were back on the show and given an upcoming episode or two to develop a more rounded backstory No. Let’s not get crazy here. We only have a Tormund-sized handful of episodes left. It’s fine that two less-than-beloved, poorly-developed characters are gone. But still. R.I.P., Sand Snakes. I mean, I guess

A bunch of nameless dudes on ships

Say what you will about Euron Greyjoy, and I have and will continue doing so, like by pointing out that he looks someone who drives a rusted-out van that he parks in handicapped spaces while spitting dip juice into an empty Mountain Dew can, but the man knows how to make an entrance.

Thwap!

Not Theon

Theon continued his long and storied history of standing by and doing jack-everloving-squat while sociopaths do violent things to women he cares about, this time with the added cowardice of literally jumping off a boat to avoid doing anything that could possibly be construed as noble.

But, as my podcast partner Alan Sepinwall noted this week, like, what exactly was he supposed to do here If he charges, Euron probably slits Yara’s throat and disposes of Theon in two swings of his Kraken-emblazoned doomsword. The rational part of me realizes that, and knows that by fleeing and living to fight another day, he has an opportunity to come back when the odds are more in his favor. Although he’ll probably just flee again when that happens. Theon is not great. Shouts to the people who named their children after him when the show started and now have to live with that decision as they watch a castrated coward jump overboard rather than defend his sister from physical danger. You can always shorten it to Theo.

A dragon

Question: Has there ever been anything as equally hilarious and disappointing as Qyburn leading Cersei into a mysterious cave full of dragon skeletons, announcing that he and his team have been working on something to combat Daenerys’ dragons for many long intense hours, and then proudly ripping the sheet off of his dragon-destroying device to reveal… just a big dumb crossbow

Answer: No.

A crossbow! That’s all you got, my guy You and Cersei just blew up the Great Sept of Baelor with magical green fire and now fire-breathing dragons are about the lay siege to the parts that are still standing and you want to fight them off with a crossbow

“Oh, but it’s a big crossbow…”

Man, get outta here with that. And you made the stupid thing out of wood. Wood! A substance notable for its vulnerability to fire, which all three dragons breathe!

“Well, but if we line it up like so, and the dragon remains still, and about 50 feet away, and its skull is brittle from years of sitting in a dark, damp cave…”

Dammit, Qyburn. I said get outta here with that. And you only have one! So even if you do get lucky and pick one off out of the sky — which is like trying to take out a mosquito by winging a toothpick at it, but whatever, I’m giving you this one — you still have two angry dragons descending on you as you and your team of geniuses try to reload. Come on.

“I think mayb-…”

Nope. Go back into that lab and magic up something cool. Ain’t nobody killing a dragon with a dang crossbow.

Dickon

Let me tell you something I know to be true, 100 percent, without fail: If you have a television show, and you introduce a character late-ish in your run, and that character is the son of a famous warrior who is being recruited to fight for an evil queen that multiple forces we are supposed to be rooting for want dead, and that kid’s name is freaking “Dickon,” he is a goner.

Yara

I do not think Yara’s death is imminent, necessarily, but it is a long standing policy here at the Death Watch that if an episode ends with a murderous dirtbag holding a blade to your neck while smiling and covered in the blood of the many people he just killed, you make the list.

Grey Worm and/or Missandei

So we’ve all seen action movies, yes The ones with the scene where the hero, right before a big battle or operation starts, finally hooks up with the person he or she has been longing for like a puppy dog for weeks/months/years in a passionate and romantic scene that consummates something that has been lingering in plain view for a long, long time Of course we have.

Well, then we also know that this kind of scene usually spells doom for at least one of them. It pains me to say it. I want Grey Worm and Missandei to get married and raise a dozen little adopted Dothraki children and maybe have a pet dragon named Sparky. I want them to have a nice little house in the suburbs of King’s Landing with a lawn and a pool out back. I want Grey Worm to quit the military and get whatever the Westerosi equivalent of a six-figure private sector job is. I want them to have it all.

I don’t think it’s meant to be, though. Between this week’s love scene, him going off on a covert mission with Cersei and Euron a-plottin’, and her being in the nerve center of a rebellion, I think one or both of them is headed for a sad end. I’m not remotely prepared for it.

Littlefinger

Littlefinger, a noted weasel and snake who is incapable of going five words without lying to someone or trying to manipulate them, has now crossed Jon Snow. Much has been made of the similarities between this week’s “Stay away from Sansa” scene and the “Stay away from Catelyn” one from earlier in the series, which is fair, and it should also be noted that maybe Littlefinger isn’t the one we should be worried about here given how that first one worked out, especially since Jon is often galactically wrong about everything, all the time. Fine, all of it.

I just think maybe we should be focusing more on how there’s a guy with a creepy mustache who is now in love with the teenage daughter of the murdered married woman he was in love with before. That’s weird and probably not okay. Like imagine if you had a friend named Frank who did all that. You’d be like, “Jesus Christ, Frank.” That’s all I can think when I see Littlefinger now.

Davos

Davos is going off on a dangerous secret mission with Jon and, since bad things tend to happen on dangerous secret missions and the show can’t really kill off Jon right now, it means Davos is probably in danger. I won’t stand for it. Davos must survive.

We must protect Davos.