‘Game Of Thrones’ Death Watch: If Anything Happens To Bronn, We Raise Hell

The Game of Thrones Death Watch is a weekly roundup of who died and who looks like they might be headed for death, written by me, a person who has not read the books and will go a long, long way to make a very stupid joke. This is what we’re doing here. This is not science. Please do not yell at me.

Season 7, Episode 5 – “Eastwatch”

Freakin’ Dickon (And Randyll)

I’ve been saying Dickon had no chance of making it out of this season alive from the moment he was introduced and we learned his name was “Dickon,” but I still feel a little conflicted about his death. On one hand, I CALLED IT WHOOP WHOOP I WAS RIGHT I TOLD YOU. But on the other, less insufferable hand, he actually kind of displayed a little courage in all of this. Way more than anyone named “Dickon” had any right to. He held up in battle surprisingly well, and he followed his father’s lead and chose death via dragon blaze rather than surrender. Was this last thing pretty stupid Well, yeah. Probably. Most plans that involve you getting burned to death by a dragon are pretty stupid. And I was and still am predisposed to disliking him because of his allegiance to Cersei and his cruel hardass of a dad. But it was also a little bit honorable, right To go out like that I don’t know. I’m torn now. Freaking Dickon.

These Guys

Whirlwind of a final few minutes on the planet for these guys. A quick rundown:

– Investigated something suspicious

– Scored free fermented crab Viagra

– Starting bouncing off toward a brothel

– Spotted one of the kingdom’s most notable fugitives

– Thought they were about to become rich beyond their wildest dreams

– Still had those crab stiffies brewing

– THWAP

– SMACK

– Both dead with their brains spilling out onto the beach

Davos is right, nothing f*cks you harder than time. But a bigass blindside warhammer to the melon has gotta be a close second.

One Or More Of Jon’s Fuzzy Avengers

Below, please find all seven members of Jon’s Wight Heist Squadron, ranked by potential death from least to most devastating:

Beric and Thoros (tie)

Apologies to Beric Dondarrian and Thoros of Myr, but if anyone in this group has to go, they’re my first cuts. It’s not particularly fair, I know. And I’m a little sad about it because I just recently figured out which one is which (Beric = eye patch, Thoros = man bun), and I really hate learning new things that immediately become useless. Like, I’m pretty sure I still have the lyrics to “Save Tonight” by Eagle-Eye Cherry banging around in my brain after spending a chunk of high school working in a grocery store. Why would I possibly need that Beric and Thoros are cooler than that, obviously, and one of the previews shows Beric holding a flaming sword so these rankings may change substantially by the end of the episode, but still. Sorry, guys.

Jorah

It would be a real shame if Jorah gets gutted by an ice zombie 45 minutes after overcoming greyscale, but it would also be kind of a Classic Jorah moment. I picture him shouting out Dany’s name as he dies, in one last pained declaration of eternal love screamed to the heavens, and then someone telling her he died and her responding “He was a good friend.”

Gendry

It would also be a shame for Gendry to die 45 minutes after rowing a boat to the ends of the world for months/years and just popping up again on the show. It would be more of a shame if he dies, though, because he just did that sick hammer thing and I love him now. I’m an easy man to please.

Jon

Would anything in the world be funnier than Jon Snow getting killed in battle now, after the show spent almost seven seasons building him up as a potential ruler, and reincarnated him, and just revealed he might actually have a better claim to the throne than Daenerys I vote no. People would be so mad. It would be total chaos. Message boards all over the world would tear themselves apart. I don’t think I’d ever stop laughing.

The Hound

The Hound can’t die because I want to see him fight the Mountain. He still has things to do. Come home safely, you profane goon.

Tormund

I am terrified about Tormund. I feel like at least one of these guys is going to die in battle next episode, and I feel like it’s going to be someone of significance. It won’t be Jon, hilarity aside, and it probably won’t be Gendry or Jorah since the show did just reintroduce them. Thoros and Beric aren’t big enough to count, by my calculations, even if they do die. That leaves just the Hound and Tormund, and — flirting with Brienne aside — Tormund doesn’t have as much Chekhov-y unfinished business left to attend to. Oh God. I just talked myself into it. Oh God. No!

This won’t do at all. We must save Tormund.

Littlefinger

The thing about Littlefinger is that you could have put him on this list before almost every episode of the show, if this list had existed prior to this season. He’s always got his evil, probably meticulously manicured fingers in something sinister, and it always either works out for him or ends with him slithering off to find a new alliance he can squirm into. So even though things look very murky for him now because he is crossing a highly trained teenage assassin who hates him and has the magical ability to go undercover by donning the face of any dead person she chooses, I still fully expect him to skitter along for a few more episodes. At least. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if this entire series ends with everyone dead and scattered about a smoldering King’s Landing except for Littlefinger, who will then scurry out from his hiding place and wink at the camera.

Bronn

Nothing that happened in last week’s episode — not a single one of the many, many things that happened — made me more nervous than Cersei throwing around the word “betray” when discussing Bronn’s role in the meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. She appeared to move on to other issues pretty quickly, and it seemed like she was leaving the decision up to Jaime, but this is dicey territory. Cersei just poisoned a teenager and left her in a cell to rot with the girl’s mother chained up in the same cell and forced to watch. Cersei does not play. Bronn is in danger. Real danger. As much danger as he was in when a dragon was trying to roast him alive the other week. Maybe even more, because that involved fighting and Bronn is good at fighting. This is politics and treachery. Bronn is overmatched. And I’m not handling it well.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the only characters I really care about on this show are Bronn, Tormund, Davos, and the dragons. Gilly, too, I guess. (UPDATE: And Brienne!) Everyone else is expendable. Now I just need Davos to become the king, marry Gilly, name Bronn his Hand, and put Tormund in charge of trying to tame the dragons. Especially that last part. I would watch an entire sitcom about that.