‘Proudly American’ John Cena Formed A One-Man Boyband To Sell Vodka

If you were wondering what John Cena was up to when he wasn’t filming a hypnotism prank show for Facebook, reading a book about a hard-working monster truck for children, or bailing on WWE’s Saudi Arabian propaganda events, we have your answer: he’s teaming up with SKYY Vodka (and Matt Hardy’s Vanguard-1, apparently) to become a boy band and sell liquor. For America.

The first version of his vodka commercial features Cena combing his weird hair we’re still not used to and “pledging allegiance to the American dream.” Sadly, Dusty Rhodes does not make an appearance.

“I pledge allegiance to the American Dream. The freedom to live your best life, to civil discourse, to writing your own history, to giving back and to you being you. And to all those who made America what it is and will be.”

If that’s too vaguely empowering for you, there’s a shorter version Cena shared on social media in which he becomes a three-man band (bay-bay) and sells vodka in the style of the Backstreet Boys. If the Backstreet Boys didn’t have the budget for anything but a green screen. It’s basically the King Princess ‘Pussy is God’ video, but John Cena and alcohol.

— John Cena (@JohnCena) November 13, 2018

When I shared this in our staff Slack chat, Elle Collins put it best: “Nikki Bella’s handling it way better, I’m just saying.”

So there you have it, folks. Grip a shot of SKYY Vodka in your Lightning Fist and drink it for the hard-working men, women, and sentient pro wrestling robots of America.