Jesus Christ, Superstars: Who’s On Cursed? (May 16, 1992)

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Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: The Mountie stuck a stick in Sgt. Slaughter’s ribs so hard it made him violently hump the top turnbuckle. Plus, big bad voodoo daddy Papa Shango tried to put a curse on the Ultimate Warrior by putting little armbands on a straw doll.

If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.

Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for May 16, 1992.

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This week’s episode comes to us, “just in time for national hamburger week,” which really should come before Kaopectate, but whatever. McMahon tries to shade Mr. Perfect by describing him as, “a guy of whom it is often asked, where’s the beef,” which is the most Perd Hapley Clara Peller burn of all time.

Mr. Perfect acts shocked that Vince would say this, possibly because he’s never been able to hear it. He responds with a rap battle verse about burgers that he definitely didn’t pre-write:

“Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce … last week, McMahon, Papa Shango put a curse on the Ultimate Warrior and all you can talk about are two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onions, on a sesame seed bun Well, have it your way, Warrior, you’re under a WHOPPER of a spell! And even though you deserve a break today, you’re not gonna get one, because when Papa Shango orders a curse, it’s TO GO, and your buns are as good as toasted, pal!”

He really got in and out with those jokes, didn’t he Mr. Perfect is an infinite source of dated, forgotten burger commercial taglines, and I’m lovin’ it.

The WBF Championship is coming up next month, and this weekend morning children’s programming is doing everything it can to make kids who love watching the nice zombie pretend to fight the evil Viking convince their parents they need to drop forty bucks to watch a bunch of human muscle bookcases show off their bottle cap dick-prints. The stars of the WBF are declared “U.S. grade-A prime beef,” which sounds a lot better on a commercial than, “thousand-dollar bills in Vince McMahon’s spank bank.”

The commercial also reveals that this is a secret government conspiracy, as anyone attending the WBF Championship live will be exposed to Agent Orange. It’s either that, or their self-tanner is powder-based.

One day I hope I’m in such good shape that when I wiggle my thigh it throws Cheeto dust everywhere.

Believe it or not, this week’s Jobbers of the Week features two (2) future WWF Tag Team Champions.

The first is Scott Taylor, seen here looking like the My Buddy version of Rockers Shawn Michaels. It seriously looks like Trey Parker showed up in some pajama pants to fight The Berserker.

Scott sticks around on enhancement talent duties until the Attitude Era, when he’s paired up with Brian Christopher in the gay panic tag team “Too Much.” That eventually morphs into an equally offensive white rapper gimmick, and when they’re randomly paired with a Samoan guy with his ass hanging out they become one of the most popular and beloved acts in the company. He was still on Raw and NXT deep into the 2010s because he added theatrics to a chop involving a basic breakdance move that asked people to chant-spell a word. Some people just have it all figured out.

The second is Glen Ruth, whose haircut, mustache, and Trapper Keeper underpants made it look like his gimmick is, “guy Chris Hansen would ask to take a seat right over there for him.”

Ruth would, believe it or not, turn into Thrasher, one half of The Headbangers. If you aren’t familiar with the Bangers, they’re the mid-90s equivalent of the Repo Man, where they’re called a thing but nobody involved actually knows what that thing is. They’re supposed to be two guys who are into heavy metal and bang their heads, which generally works best with long hair, but they’re bald. And they don’t come out to metal music, their theme is a generic rock beat that they skank and mosh to for some reason. Oh, and they dress like punks, or at least an old man’s idea of what “punks” are, not metalheads. Trust me though, it’s better than being this. Or a wrestling nun.

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If you prefer your WWF Superstars jobbers to be abject failures with no future, look no further than Jay Sledge, seen here squinting to read his own name graphic. Even he can’t believe he’s on this show.

Jay and his 10-years-too-late Mr. T haircut lose in embarrassing fashion to the Repo Man and “the crowbar,” Reep’s single leg crab hold. Part of me wishes Jay had used this loss as motivation to develop his own submission hold, which he could call Mercy Sledge. You won’t like it at first, but take time to know it. Instead, he’s just out here screaming, “cover me.”

Who am I kidding, he should’ve just let his sister wrestle instead.

Finally, the Beverly Brothers need to induct two more losers into their “Legion of Sissies” and choose this tandem, recently-extinct Killer Bee Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell and his new tag team partner, Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight. Sorry, it’s actually a different Bobby Knight … the one you’re thinking of would fit a lot better in ECW.

I love guys from the ’80s like Jim Brunzell who get nicknames like “Jumpin'” despite not being especially good at jumping, although during his infamous rant against Brian Blair, the Iron Sheik did identify him as a “great athlete, great high jumper.” Wikipedia says he was his high school high jump champion, but it’s not like he was hitting five-star frog splashes in the ring. That’d be like my wrestling gimmick being, “Received A Certificate During Assembly For Being Good At Computers.” Maybe he should’ve asked Leapin’ Lanny Poffo for advice on how to grow beyond the gimmick of basic human function, or at least by 1992 have changed his name to Slowly Walkin’ Jim Brunzell.

There are a lot of great green-screen interviews this week, but this one’s my favorite. Skinner — seen here sharing the words of House Keirn — explains that while he’s been successful in the World Wrestling Federation, “summer is coming,” which means he’s going to “turn up the heat,” and “get more intense as it gets hotter.” Somehow means he’s going to do better Is he affected by the cold weather

Sean Mooney: “Considering Skinner’s intentions, it appears we can expect one of the hottest summers on record here in the WWF. He has burned a number of opponents, and it seems he does not plan to stop until he has cleared the forest of competitors.”

I’m not sure what part confuses me more, “the forest,” or the fact that the World Wrestling Federation keeps detailed seasonal weather records.

“Excellence of execution. Everybody talks about the excellence of execution, and you know, sometimes it gets hard to live up to being the excellence of execution.”

That’s why he’s sitting there with a bad leg, and that’s why Owen kicked his leg out of his leg.

Native American Superstar Tatanka gets a win over Virginia garbage person Barry Hardy, and the highlight is this kid’s amazing zig-zag speed-lined mullet. It’s like a falcon just took things to the extreme. It’s even more beautiful in motion.

P.S. if you cut your child’s hair like this you should go directly from the barbershop to prison.

Q: What does a normal, everyday kinda guy like Crush do for a hobby

a. studying the classics of Russian literature

b. extreme couponing

c. building intricately designed, die-cast model cars

d. he crushes things, what the fuck else is he gonna do

Followup question: why does the back of his head look like somebody made a jellyfish out of a toilet clog

When disgraced prison guard turned stuffed animal for children Big Boss Man defeats the pre-Crisis Headbanger he’s greeted by a spooking voice-over declaring, “BIG BOSS MAN, BIG BOSS MAN, I’M TALKIN’ TO YOU! I’VE DONE MY TIME, AND NOW, I’M COMING FOR YOU! HA HA HA!” Vince McMahon’s call of, “he’s somewhere in the building,” should probably cause more panic at the public event full of confused children who may or may not be about to get murdered by a vengeful ex-con, but I guess when you work with the living undead and a bunch of time-displaced maniacs you stop taking this kind of threat seriously.

As you might know, this disembodied voice belongs to NAILZ. Nailz is most notable for having a high pitched voice they had to digitally alter in promos to make him sound threatening, and for, you know, getting into a real-life fight with Vince McMahon over money and then trying to claim that Vince had “grabbed his balls.”

You may also know him from his wide range of work in the wrestling industry, playing other characters like WCW’s “The Prisoner,” and Jim Crockett’s WWN’s “The Convict.” To my knowledge, there are no Nailz stuffed animals.

This is like an entire Stephen King novel in GIF form.

This is in response to her clearly superior version of ‘Sexy Boy,’ used during Michaels’ initial run as the “Heartbreak Kid.” It made a lot more sense to have a woman singing this about him than him singing it about himself, especially when he aged 20 more years and turned into the bald, dick-pointing equivalent of Skinner.

Also of note is that Michaels wrestles local wise guy Sonny Blaze, who has no idea what a suplex is and looks like he’s never taken a bump before right now. Here he is taking the teardrop suplex like he’s accidentally falling down a flight of steps:

It looks like when you try to pick up a dog and they start wriggling out of your arms.

This week’s main event was advertised as “The Ultimate Warrior vs. Knobbs or Sags,” and while it’s technically Knobbs, it’s basically both of them. Warrior has to fight them off 2-on-1 before and after the match, and actually pin Knobbs in the process. It’s pretty easy to do when your signature move is hitting a reset button on the match and instantly regaining 100% HP.

Anyway, the big news here is that during the match, Knobbs pulls off one of Warrior’s (many) wristbands. Papa Shango shows up and steals it, allowing him to complete the evil curse ritual he began last week. If you aren’t familiar with Papa Shango, I’ll let Virgil explain:

Warrior seems fine at first, but then collapses at ringside holding his stomach. Shango continues the curse, complete with his eyes rolling back in his head (about halfway), and Warrior gets gurnied to the back. Once there, we discover that the curse is asson reflex disease, and brother starts vomiting hot dijon mustard all over everyone. ENJOY.

The highlight is either this poor Jay Baruchel-looking medic trying to sell this like it’s a life or death crisis, or James J. Dillon hilariously corpsing in the background. Look at his face. He’s about to be corpsing over an actual corpse.

Don’t worry, though, Warrior gets better, and Shango has to up his voodoo threat from “upset stomach” to “leaking goo from your head like Gary Oldman’s character in The Fifth Element.” He also starts setting jobbers on fire. WWF Superstars was the original Lucha Underground, don’t @ me.

A couple of incestuous sheep-fuckers you love for some reason will be in action! Plus THE DUBLIN DESTROYER arrives, Ric Flair goes on a sexy picnic with his best friend, and The Ultimate Warrior gets an X-Files-level case of dandruff. All this and more on the best worst wrestling show ever, next week!