Kyrie Irving Determined Where ‘SpongeBob SquarePants’ Characters Would Line Up For A Game Of Basketball

Kyrie Irving has had a pretty big summer. On the court, Irving decided to start a new chapter in his career, teaming up with his pal Kevin Durant on the Brooklyn Nets. Off of it, Irving has a new collection of his latest sneakers, Nike’s Kyrie 5, dropping that pays tribute to his favorite absorbent and yellow and porous cartoon character.

It was announced earlier this week that the latest version of the kicks would be SpongeBob SquarePants themed, and would include colorways that pay tribute to some of the show’s most beloved characters. In celebration of the new sneakers, Kyrie sat down with Cam Wolf of GQ to discuss his love of the show that inspired the second TV show-themed colorway on the 5s.

Among the many interview topics came Irving doling out positions for a trio of the show’s characters in the event they were to play basketball. Understandably, this does not hold Squidward in the highest regard.

Squidward is a shooting guard. He’s the most selfish one. He just shoots his own shots. He doesn’t care what’s going on.

SpongeBob is really like… positionless. He can play the 3/4, go to the 1.

Mr. Krabs is like the power forward. He’s literally the muscle of the group. He’s always giving different business ideas on how to spend money and like, “The Krusty Krab is the best ever!” and he’s competing with the Chum Bucket. He’s like the Charles Oakley. Weight god who’s coming in, but there are also teaching moments in it.

This is all canon, obviously. We did not get a position for Patrick, but it stands to reason he would line up next to Mr. Krabs and maul people down low and inhale rebounds like they were Krabby Patties. He also mentioned that Sandy would be the most talented of the bunch, as she has an inherent advantage due to the fact that she has been on land and understands the concept of gravity.