Jesus Christ, Superstars: Flair For The Gold (September 12, 1992)

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Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: The SummerSlam You Thought You’d Never See™ came and went, and everything went wrong. The Ultimate Warrior’s plans got scrapped because he didn’t want to turn heel, Nailz got mad about his payout, and Road Warrior Hawk quit the company over having to hang out with a ventriloquist dummy.

If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page.

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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for September 12, 1992.

Before we get to the Jobbers of the Week, we need to talk about the most important development between the previous episode and this one: Ric Flair defeated Macho Man Randy Savage for the WWF Championship at an event in Hershey, PA, after enacting the dreaded Plan B. You may remember this from the time Seth Rollins betrayed The Shield. Same energy.

Flair’s master plan, presumably plotted out at that sexy picnic, was as follows:

It works perfectly, and Slick Ric becomes the new WWF Champion. An injured Randy Savage has to be carried away by the street clothes Ultimate Warrior, An Officer And A Macho Man-style, ensuring that they not only look as stupid as possible, but like two dudes who accidentally got trapped inside a claw machine at a 1980s arcade and fell in love.

As an added bonus, Mr. Perfect gets to revel in the fact that he promised he’d be “in the corner of the WWF Champion” after SummerSlam, and whoops, whoopsie, he totally is.

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Starting off this week’s jobber countdown is none other than the NIGHT TRAIN Gary Jackson, finally getting his own title graphic after being the better half of last week’s Legion of Doom company outro.

I want to give Gary special props this week because he’s forced with putting over Razor Ramon, who has not yet been around long enough for someone to tell him to not actually kill these guys for real. Gary’s sell of the Razor’s Edge is one of the greatest of all time, as he takes it completely safely but still manages to bump onto the top of his head and spin out, Electric Boogaloo-style, into a second back bump. It’s a work of art, honestly.

Seriously, look at that:

Night Train vs. Kota Ibushi in next year’s G1 Climax, please.

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My favorite jobbers of the week are the tandem of former WCW jobber mainstay “Pretty Boy” Doug Sommers, who looks like he was teleported in straight from a 1950s Gorgeous George lookalike contest, and Joe Turner, who looks like he was teleported in straight from the bowling alley.

While there’s not much to say about Turner (unless he’s THIS Joe Turner, which he couldn’t possibly be, unless he was in his late 50s/early 60s here), Doug Sommers/Somers is an unsung wrestling legend. Trained by Harley Race, he used to be part of a team with “Playboy” Buddy Rose (hence the ironic “ISN’T THIS GROSS GUY BEAUTIFUL” nomenclature southern wrestling used to love so much), was managed by Sherri Martel, and held the AWA World Tag Team Championship twice; once with Rose, and once with Soldat Ustinov. I love Soldat Ustinov. When Ustinov hit you, he made sure you soldat.

They get quickly eaten up by the Natural Disasters while the announce team rambles on about how Jack Tunney will name a new number one contender to the WWF Championship soon. I bet it’s Joe Turner!

Also teaming up this week are Brown and Red, who make Maroon.

Sorry, it’s sunburned regular Red Tyler teaming up with “Greg Brown,” who has finally convinced someone to call him “Greg” instead of the hilarious GRAIG. One of my favorite ongoing gags on Superstars is jobbers telling someone what their name is, and the person running with whatever they heard instead of asking for clarification. You could show up as “Thomas Johnson” and the Superstars intern would just type, “TOMIST JOMSTON,” and you’re just Tomist Jomston forever, Superstars intern don’t give a fuck.

They lose to the Nasty Boys via a new finisher for the Nasties, a double DDT. Props to whoever worked out the match with them beforehand and was like, “can we not do the thing where you rub our faces in your sweaty armpits, please.”

Not Especially Dynamic Dude Justin Taylor escapes a match with Papa Shango suffering nothing but normal wrestling moves, but Papa makes sure to show off his fire-hurling skull prop after the match. You could make a full 90-minute documentary of nothing but children looking frightened by Papa Shango in 1992 Superstars episodes. Call it Shango Unchained.

Big Boss Man returns to the ring this week, defeats Iron Mike Sharpe, and, showing that he’s learned absolutely zero lessons from that whole “paroled prisoner beatdown” thing, handcuffs Mike to the ropes afterward to humiliate him. I don’t want to tell the disgraced prison guard how to live his life, but he can’t keep doing this shit and not expecting someone to eventually fight back. He absolutely deserves the beatdowns Nailz put on him. Like, how mad does Papa Shango get to be if a second voodoo witch doctor guy shows up and puts a spell on him to make oil leak out of his head You’re kinda asking for it, dude.

Undertaker defeats Pat Rose, which is a lot like Lights Camera Jackson trying to play quarterback against Ndamukong Suh.

Next week we’ll have appearances from Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels, an inner-continental match-up between The Mountie and Tatanka, and a special interview from (as Mr. Perfect puts it) “the crybaby, that wimp, the man who’s lost it all,” Macho Man Randy Savage. See you then!