The 2023 Philadelphia Phillies Are So Weird And Stupid That They Might Just Win It All

Optimism does not come naturally to Philadelphia sports fans. I know because I have been one for my entire life. Every little sliver of hope is often dashed by a crushing defeat or bad vibes. Look at the Sixers right now, with the reigning MVP and a bouncy young emerging star both getting dragged through the muck by the James Harden fiasco. Look at the Eagles, too, who are undefeated and loaded with talent and still make every game feel as exhausting as a marathon. (Follow some Eagles fans on Twitter if you need proof of this.) It’s making this Phillies season very weird. The vibes are entirely too good. It’s all kind of unsettling.

Another thing making it weird is that the whole team is… well, weird. They’re just a collection of dinger-smashing dirtbag himbos who do things their own way, the history of baseball and general logic be damned. Start at the top. Literally. Start at the top of the lineup, in the leadoff spot, a role generally reserved for fast little slap hitters who get on base and steal bags and is filled on this squad by Kyle Schwarber, a big beefy boy who looks like a guy who drives a truck that delivers hoagies to the clubhouse and sometimes opens the game by doing stuff like this.

— Philadelphia Phillies (@Phillies) September 28, 2023

It’s incredible. The Marlins have a leadoff hitter, Luis Arraez, who hit about .350 this year on the back of a zillion slapped singles, and the Phillies roll out a dude who hit 47 home runs and 48 singles and whose batting average didn’t even crack .200. Pretty much all he does is draw walks, strike out, or hit home runs. Sometimes the home runs go halfway to the moon. It’s great. Look at this guy.

The whole team is like this, in a way. Just a collection of weirdo characters. There are games where Schwarber starts in left field and he isn’t even the team’s weirdest outfielder. It’s hard to take that crown when there are guys like Nick Castellanos in right field, with his shirt unbuttoned halfway to his navel doing stuff like this.

— Philadelphia Phillies (@Phillies) September 20, 2023

To be clear, this play was madness. Catching the ball was ill-advised at best, with a runner on third ready to tag up and score what would have been the game-winning run. The quotes about it all after the game drive this home and help convey what a collection of goofballs we have out there.

“Drop it,” manager Rob Thomson said.

“I already told him that I had to be honest,” Garrett Stubbs said. “I was screaming at the top of my lungs to drop it.”

“I saw him not get behind it,” Bryson Stott said, “and I said, ‘Oh crap.’”

There is a voice in his head, Castellanos said. “Usually he just pops up when I’m hitting. You know Like, don’t take this 2-0 pitch.” The voice does not sound like Scooby-Doo. He heard the voice as he moved toward the foul ball with one out in the ninth inning and the winning run on third base. “Catch it,” the voice said. “Throw him out.” Castellanos did it with a flourish, a spinning motion that resulted in a perfect throw home. It was both wrong and lucky.

Two things worth noting here…

ONE: It’s delightful to picture a professional athlete making decisions from moment to moment based on what a voice in his head is telling him.

TWO: That reference to Scooby-Doo in there was not random. It’s a callback to earlier this year when Castellanos was asked who his favorite superhero is and backed up his claim like this.

I asked Nick Castellanos his reasoning behind Scooby Doo being his favorite superhero, which led to this insightful answer. https://t.co/MCtm6XmO98 pic.twitter.com/leRDlZkUKM

— Noah Chast KTVZ (@NoahChastTV) July 10, 2023

I mean… he’s not wrong, right You have to love a silly outfielder who is guided by voices and makes you rethink everything you know about possibly stoned cartoon dogs. And he’s having a great influence on the other starting outfielder, Johan Rojas, a 22-year-old defensive phenom who has also been unbuttoning his shirt like he’s in a Miami nightclub in 1986. With the blessing of Castellanos. Look at these guys.