A Few Relatively Straightforward Questions About ‘Watchmen’

HBO’s Watchmen is a fascinating and thought-provoking show in its early stages. Damon Lindelof, creator of the show and veteran of Lost and The Leftovers, is good at doing that. His take on the legendary source material is different, strange, and a little nutty, all of which checks out given his track record. I would say more about this adaptation business if not for one small issue: I know very little about any of it.

I didn’t read the Watchmen comics. I haven’t even seen the 2009 movie. My extent of pre-show Watchmen knowledge came from reading one single “What you should know before watching Watchmen” article, which I now regret reading. It would have been more fun to go in totally blind. I’m not reading any explainers or looking up any references, either. It’s kind of a little experiment, to see what and how much I can figure out about all of it on my own. It’s going… okay I’m enjoying it very much so far, but sweet backflipping Jesus am I confused about some things.

And so, at the risk of getting yelled at a lot on the internet, I present to you a few questions that I — a Watchmen rookie — have about the show so far.

Who is this guy

What’s his deal

How did he get out of those handcuffs

How did he lift the other guy

Some sort of pulley system

How did he set up the pulleys

Why didn’t Regina King know he was her grandpa

Why’s he dressed so snazzy

Is he going somewhere nice

Who is this guy

What’s his deal

Why’s his mask so shiny

What’s up with his crazy interrogation room with the images

How’s he see through that mask with no eye holes

How does he breathe

Is it hot in there

Did you ever buy a cool mask for Halloween and take it off after an hour because your face was all sweaty and the inside of your mask smelled like sweat and your hot breath

Do you think he has multiple masks like this to swap out when they need to be washed

Who is this kid

What’s his deal

Where did he get these powers

How did he make that thing float

Why not just let it sit on the ground

What’s that he’s making

Why’s he making it

How long do you think it took to make it

Did he use the powers to make it or just keep it hovering there

Seems like a weird and inefficient use of powers, right

What would you do if you had powers

Probably not build a weird silver building and/or city out of silver little LEGO thingies, right

Did you ever think that’s maybe why you don’t have powers, though

Because you’d use them wrong

Bet you feel silly now, huh

Who is this guy

What’s his deal

Why’s he wearing a panda mask

Why’s his panda mask so dirty

Why doesn’t he get his panda mask cleaned

Why doesn’t he buy a new panda mask

Can he not afford a new panda mask

Do you think public servants should be paid a livable wage that allows them to replace their old and tattered panda masks

How much does a panda mask cost, anyway

How much would you pay for a panda mask

Like $50

What about a used panda mask, if it’s in decent shape

Would you feel comfortable buying a used panda mask

What if it has lice in it

Could he switch to a new animal mask if he finds one on sale or is he stuck now that everyone calls him “Panda”

Do you think his nickname is Panda because he bought that mask or do you think he bought that mask because his nickname was Panda

Who is this guy

What’s his deal

I mean, I know it’s Jeremy Irons, and he is allegedly playing a character named Adrian Veidt who is also known as Ozymandias and played a big role in the comics and is thought to be dead now, but, like, what’s his deal

Why’s he doing all that

Is he cloning people just to kill them off one at a time in a play he wrote and directs for an audience of only himself

Is that what’s happening here

Why

If you were rich and powerful and hiding out in a castle on a glorious estate, would you do any of that

How long do you think it takes the one guy to paint himself all blue like that

How long do you think it takes to get the paint back off

You know, from … the places

Does the movie The Prestige exist in this alternate Watchmen universe

Is that what’s happening here

Did Jeremy Irons see The Prestige and watch Hugh Jackman make and kill a clone every night in service of a performance and think “Oooo, dope”

Do you think Jeremy Irons has ever said the word “dope”

Would you work for a weird old millionaire who made you perform a play every night and sometimes do a nude scene covered in blue body paint

What if he promised not to kill you inside a flame booth

You’d probably want to get that last part in writing, huh

What are these goggles

What’s their deal

They some sort of futuristic x-ray goggles

Where’d she get them

How much do they cost

How does Regina King afford her fancy gadgets

How come she can have cool x-ray goggles but the panda guy still has to wear that gross mask

Do you think Panda gets pissed off about this

If you had x-ray goggles, would you use them for legitimate investigation-based reasons or would you do a bunch of weirdo creep stuff with them

What are these raining squid

What’s their deal

Why is it raining squid

How is it raining squid

Does this happen a lot

How often would it have to rain squid before you considered it “a lot”

Like, twice

Who has to clean the squid off of everything

Do people spend hours of their Saturday getting squid out of their gutters, or is there a service they can call

Do you think there’s a Squid Removal billionaire who controls the whole market

Or is it like sanitation and all mobbed-up

Would you watch an entire show about the lucrative but corrupt business of cleaning up tiny squid that rained down from heaven

If a squid removal business gets a sweetheart government contract in exchange for providing another off-book service, is it called squid pro quo

Sorry!