50 Questions About The Disturbing Peloton Christmas Commercial

What is going on here

Why is this woman so excited about getting a Peloton bike for Christmas

Why didn’t she just get one when she first wanted one

I mean, sure, at $2500 up front and $40 per month its not a small purchase for most people, but … [gestures to the beautiful modern home the couple lives in] … I assume they can afford splurges like this

Has her husband been denying her the bike for some reason

Is she not allowed to spend money or something

Is that what’s happening here

Is this some sort of dark short film about a controlling husband

Or did he just, like, surprise his wife with an exercise bike for Christmas

What kind of maniac would surprise their partner with an exercise bike on Christmas morning

I mean, it appears to have worked, I guess, but really

And, while this is admittedly less important given everything else we’re dealing with already… how did he even get this sucker into his living room without her noticing

Was he dragging it up the sidewalk and over the landing and across the floor at like 4:30 AM, after they had already set up the tree with the other presents

What if she had thought he was a robber

What if she thought this was a Grinch situation where someone was popping into their house in the middle of the night to steal their presents

What if she had shot him

Could you make a decent argument that she’d be better off

Do you see it

Do you see the problem with this image

WHY ARE THESE PARENTS FREAKING OUT ABOUT AN EXERCISE BIKE BEFORE THEIR DAUGHTER HAS OPENED A SINGLE PRESENT ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I mean, come on, right

What kind of monsters are we dealing with here

Would it even surprise you at this point to learn that this guy woke his daughter up in the middle of the night on Christmas and made her help him bring the godforsaken electronic bicycle into the house

How much do you hate these people already

So much, right

What is happening here

Why is she documenting her usage of this exercise bike

Is he making her do this

Are we back to this controlling thing where he was like “Prove to me that you’re using the expensive thing I bought you,” as though his wife is a child

Do you think she spends every second of every training session thinking “I wish this were a real bike so I could pedal away from this hellscape of a life I’ve found myself in”

Or is she legitimately excited about it

If so… isn’t this starting to feel like a cult

Look at her eyes… aren’t those the eyes of a person who is trapped by… something

Ma’am, are you okay

ARE YOU OKAY, MA’AM

Why are some of her videos filmed in portrait mode and some in landscape

Who is holding the camera in the landscape ones where she has both hands on the bike

Is… is she making her daughter film her riding this Peloton

What do you think that poor kid even got for Christmas, once she was finally allowed to open her presents, presumably after her parents took between five and one million selfies of themselves in front of the Peloton

Probably classes in the A/V department at the local community college so she could help with the editing, huh

Wait a second, the daughter is sitting at her desk in this one, which means it was filmed… with a tripod

Is that what’s happening here

Does this maniac have her phone set up landscape view on a freaking tripod to document her riding an exercise bike

What the hell

And then we find out that all of this was just to make a video to show her husband how much she loves her Peloton

Like he doesn’t live in the house with her and see her drag herself out of bed at 6 AM to go ride it

And this poor kid is left to color at her desk while all this is going on, with her dad getting her mom an exercise bike for Christmas and her mom going full-on Stockholm Syndrome about it all

Do… do we need to save this kid

Do we need to swoop in and give this kid a real Christmas where she gets to open presents before her unhinged parents

What if the video the lady showed her husband had an extra five seconds of footage added in and she was like “Hmm, I was pretty sure it was 41 seconds, not 46,” and they kept watching to see what was there and after her part finished it cut to a shot of their daughter dumping gasoline on the Peloton in the driveway and then cackling like a supervillain as the flames melted the display and warped the metal beams until it became a mangled and twisted memory of her ruined childhood

That would have been pretty cool.