The Rundown: Are You Prepared To Grapple With A Gritty Scrooge?

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items will vary, as will the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

It is my opinion that Scrooge should be an old man. An old man with white hair and a British accent. An old man with white hair and a British accent who sleeps in one of those old-timey unisex sleeping gowns that comes with the matching floppy sleeping cap. It is dawning on me as I type this that I am pretty much just describing Michael Caine in The Muppet Christmas Carol. With good reason. The Muppet Christmas Carol was and is the best adaptation of the classic Charles Dickens novel. More adaptations of classic novels should feature narration by a small blue monster and his wisecracking rat sidekick. I have always said this.

This comes up now for two reasons: One, because I will happily take any opportunity to point out how much The Muppet Christmas Carol rules; two, because apparently Scrooge is gritty and handsome now.

This is the trailer for FX’s fancy new adaptation of the book. It stars Guy Pearce as Scrooge and is executive produced by Tom Hardy and is written by Steven Knight, the mind responsible for Peaky Blinders, which I probably didn’t have to tell you because you saw the industrial flames and grimy British streets in there, too. This is easily the most Peaky Blinders Christmas content I’ve ever seen. I half-expected to see Arthur Shelby as the Ghost of Christmas Future, just snorting mountains of cocaine and bludgeoning other ghosts into a bloody pulp with a half-drunk bottle of bootleg whiskey while shouting “BY ORDER OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT” as Tommy watches in terrifying silence through his tiny John Lennon eyeglasses. You can see it too now. Don’t lie. Aunt Polly is in the corner smoking a clove.

The press release describes the special event series as “a haunting, hallucinatory, spine-tingling immersion into Scrooge’s dark night of the soul,” which, judging from the trailer, seems to check out. It looks… dark. Really dark. Too dark, perhaps. If I’m interpreting this trailer correctly, Scrooge gets visited by the spirits because he forced Bob Cratchit’s wife to strip for him to get money for Tiny Tim’s health care (or whatever this version of the tales’ take on Tiny Tim is), and so she sends a Yuletide curse on him to teach him a lesson.

That’s a lot. It’s disturbing. Perhaps even more disturbing than a pig and a frog mating and having children and half of their children being all-frog and the other half being all-pig, which is a thing that happens in The Muppet Christmas Carol that has always disquieted me. Although it’s not like I’m itching to see a bunch of half-frog, half-pig hybrid abominations hopping and squealing around. I guess there’s no great solution to that issue. Every option is upsetting. Let’s stop talking about it!

Anyway, this whole thing gives us quite a bit to chew on. Is it okay that Scrooge is handsome Because let’s be clear about this, and I say this with no disrespect to Michael Caine, who is the best: Scrooge is very handsome now. Look at Guy Pearce’s jawline in his top hat. You could slice a Christmas turkey with that thing. Should Scrooge be… hot I really don’t think I’m comfortable with a hot Scrooge. What’s next A hot Santa No. I do not want a hot and gritty Santa, not even in an origin story, not even if someone thinks outside the box and casts Jason Statham as Santa Claus.

Wait. No. Okay, I take that back. Of course, I would watch a Santa origin story starring Jason Statham as a young and sternum-kicking Kris Kringle. Let’s not get crazy here. Gonzo and Rizzo can narrate. Holy hell, I just went and talked myself into all of this. So, I guess, if handsome and predatory Peaky Blinders Scrooge gives us nothing else, he’s at least given us that. Given me that. Has to count for something.

Knives Out is an almost unreasonably fun movie experience. Rian Johnson’s twisty whodunit has everything you could possibly want: murder, intrigue, Daniel Craig doing a Southern accent that is so far over the top that it circles the entire globes and actually sneaks back up on you from the bottom, Michael Shannon, bickering rich people, and more. I’m not joking about Daniel Craig in this movie, by the way. His whole performance is something to behold. He looks like he is having an absolute blast. At one point, he approaches a crime scene and addresses his fellow investigators by saying “What’s the cheese” It’s a beautiful thing.

It’s also not the point of this section. The point of this section is sweaters. There are so many comfortable-looking sweaters in Knives Out. Like, for example, the cream-colored fisherman’s sweater that Chris Evans is wearing in the image up there. Look at that thing! It looks so comfortable. I’m not even a big sweater person. I’m more of a Wear A Hoodie From October Until April person. And despite this, the night after watching this movie, I found myself lying in bed with my phone in my hand at 2 a.m., thisclose to buying a $300 cream-colored fisherman’s sweater. This would have been a disaster. Who do I think I am It would have sat in my closet for months. I would have been livid about it. And then I would have put it on and realized I don’t look like Chris Evans in it and then I would have been furious again. It’s just not a sustainable situation.

I will not be surprised if we find out six months from now that this entire film was financed as a marketing strategy for L.L. Bean.

Well well well, what do we have here A television program just for me How thoughtful. From THR:

Woody Harrelson and Justin Theroux are returning to HBO for a limited series about Watergate.

The pair will star in and executive produce The White House Plumbers, which centers on E. Howard Hunt (Harrelson) and G. Gordon Liddy (Theroux), who planned the Watergate burglary that eventually brought down Richard Nixon’s presidency.

Yes, I will watch Woody Harrelson and Justin Theroux in a Watergate series. I will watch all of it, every last scene. I love both of these guys and I love Watergate stuff. I just wonder… why now Why make a big-deal limited series about Watergate now, in 2019 I mean, if there was some type of similar story in the news today, maybe then I could see it. Some kind of story about abuse of presidential powers and using the office to attempt to interfere in elections. Some sort of scandal involving Congress and the courts and an executive branch that seems intent on stampeding both of them with various strong-arm tactics.

Hmm. Well, I guess they know what they’re doing. We’ll see. Maybe there will be something in the news that comes up between now and then that will make it timely. Otherwise, this seems like a real wasted opportunity.

Thanksgiving is a beautiful time. A time to reflect on the gifts you’ve received in life. A time to sit around the table with family and friends and express gratitude. A time to, if you are television icon and all-around A+ human being Henry Winkler, tweet about the leftover sandwich you are planning to eat after the meal. Here, look:

— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 25, 2011

Thanksgiving : thanks for my family, for our men and women in service to our country, our country ,for the turkey sandwich later 2 nite

— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 22, 2012

Back in LA …and i just had the turkey sandwich that cant be duplicated any other day then the day after

OMG

— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 24, 2012

I'm thankful for the country in which we live , my family who lives in it and

i am thankful 4 the sandwich the day after Thanksgiving

— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 26, 2015

Tomorrow is my favorite Holiday , my favorite meal , my favorite next day sandwich SO TO MY FAVORITE COUNTRY > HAVE THE BEST HOLIDAY EVER

— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 23, 2016

AND to EACH and everyone of you smarties !! Thank you so much .. I cant wait for the sandwich the day after Thanksgiving

— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 22, 2017

Turkey, wonder bread , mayo, ocean spray cranberry, crispy stuffing.. omg . I’m writing this having fallen to the rug In a state of euphoria .

— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 25, 2017