Can Someone Tell Us What This Alien Goop Is, Because It Sure Looks Like Venom?

This morning, I expected the worst.

“Venom” was the number-one trending topic on Twitter in America, with “symbiote” in the number-three slot. “Oh no,” I worried, “has the unthinkable happened: has Venom 2 been delayed” The sequel to 2018’s Venom — which not be the greatest movie ever, but it’s the only movie where Tom Hardy climbs into a tank and feeds on a live lobster in front of Michelle Williams, so I take it back, it is the greatest movie ever — is supposed to come out on October 2, and thankfully, the release date hasn’t changed (for now).

No, the reason “Venom” and “symbiote” were trending is because of this:

— non essential (@sunnyarkade) April 2, 2020

Should we be worried about whatever that is Maybe! Dunno about you, but I, personally, am not a fan of withering, slimy black spaghetti. But at least we still get Venom 2 in October! Assuming that thing doesn’t kill us before then. But what is “that thing” It’s apparently a bootlace worm, which “can grow up to 55m long. When provoked, it releases a high concentration of venomous mucus which would paralyze potential predators, giving it enough time to retreat to safety,” according to one explanation. It’s the longest animal on Earth, but not as long as the wait until Ve2om.

Where’s Spider-Man, you might be asking He’s daring Jake Gyllenhaal to do shirtless handstands. Honestly, that’s way more important than stopping this venomous goo. Continue on.

April: *Fucking Venom https://t.co/G9ZuyNP0Ql

— |Blake| The Villain (@Enemies_Allies) April 3, 2020

The Devil said fuck it, threw venom at us, where da fuck spiderman at pic.twitter.com/yG9wOnzPRv