The Rundown: Merry Christmas, Let’s Watch ‘The Nice Guys’

The Rundown is usually a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. This is not that. This is a very special all-Christmas edition. It’s still formatted the same, and still contains a list of some good things, it’s just that this time they’re all holiday-themed, or at least sort of holiday-themed. It’s festive. Grab some cocoa and enjoy.

Well, guess what: It’s Christmas. It doesn’t exactly feel like it, for about seven reasons that don’t need rehashing here. You can go one of two ways with this. You can lean hard into the holiday spirit to try to drag your unwilling brain there like a child who does not want to go to school, or you can just ride the wave of apathy like Scrooge and be a grump about it. Or, I guess, there’s a third way: You can chill out and watch The Nice Guys. The Nice Guys is a Christmas movie, kind of, which works for a year when “kind of” applies to everything. Also, it is good. That helps, too.

The Nice Guys is one of many movies set at Christmas that are not actually about Christmas. Die Hard is the most famous of these, as you know and can’t avoid, because lots of people like to insist it is “the best Christmas movie.” I tend to disagree, personally, if only to draw a line between Christmas movies and movies that take place during Christmas. Die Hard 2 is probably more of a Christmas movie than the original, if we’re being honest here. Dennis Franz’s character goes on a personal journey not entirely dissimilar from Ebenezer Scrooge, just with dozens of armed terrorists and Bruce Willis visiting him instead of three spirits. Same thing, really.

There are others, too: Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Iron Man 3, The Last Boy Scout, aaaaaand I’m just listing movies written and/or directed by Shane Black, who also wrote and directed The Nice Guys. This is not new information. Shane Black loves setting action movies around the holidays. He explained why to Entertainment Weekly a few years ago:

“Christmas represents a little stutter in the march of days, a hush in which we have a chance to assess and retrospect our lives. I tend to think also that it just informs as a backdrop. The first time I noticed it was Three Days of the Condor, the Sydney Pollack film, where Christmas in the background adds this really odd, chilling counterpoint to the espionage plot. I also think that Christmas is just a thing of beauty, especially as it applies to places like Los Angeles, where it’s not so obvious, and you have to dig for it, like little nuggets.”

So there’s that. The ties to Christmas in The Nice Guys are thinner than some of the other movies listed above. It barely even comes up for most of the movie. The best real evidence comes right at the end, in this scene in the bar, with the decorations in the background.

Christmas confirmed. You now have an excuse to watch this movie, again or for the first time, which you probably should, especially if you tend to enjoy Shane Black’s movies, which I do. It is very much a Shane Black movie, too. It opens with a dead adult film star and features a wise-cracking child and a couple of mismatched detectives and some grammar jokes and a big shootout at the end. The man has a style.

It’s also worth watching it again to remember how good Ryan Gosling is. Ryan Gosling is so good in The Nice Guys. It’s a little infuriating, actually. People should not be allowed to be that good looking and talented and good at physical comedy. The example I always use is that it’s like discovering the richest dude you know is also a scratch golfer. You don’t need to have everything, buddy. Be bad at one thing. For me.

But that’s just me being petty. This is not the time of year for that. This is a time to appreciate things, like Russell Crowe doing comedy and Matt Bomer showing up with about 50 firearms evil Kim Basinger and Ryan Gosling having a luxurious 1970s mustache and doing a whole piece of business with a pistol and a bathroom stall that is funnier in about 15 seconds than some comedies are in their entire running time.

It’s a good movie. It’s a fun way to spend a couple of hours on a night this weekend, a night you might have otherwise spent with friends and family at a big holiday party. This Christmas may not feel like Christmas in a lot of ways. We’re all going to have to hunker down and figure out how to make it work. I’m probably going to watch The Nice Guys tonight. And at some point, I’ll also watch what is, in my opinion, the actual single best Christmas movie: The Muppet Christmas Carol. More movies should be narrated by a small blue monster with a long crooked nose who is pretending to be Charles Dickens. It probably could have made The Nice Guys even better, now that I think about it.

Something to consider going forward, I guess.

Two things are important here:

But back to the cake. Apparently, Tom Cruise has been doing this for a long time. He sends them as little thank yous to co-stars and friends and crew members and a whole bunch of other people. It’s more important this year, though, in part because the holidays are going to be so weird for everyone and any nice gesture will help, and in part because I just found out about it and now I WANT THE CAKE, TOM.

The “pillowy” cake and Doan’s Bakery are favorites among Hollywood A-listers, but the dessert has become so associated with Cruise that it’s informally known as the “Tom Cruise Coconut Cake,” said the site Goldbelly.com. Made with chunks of sweet white chocolate, rich cream cheese frosting and toasted coconut flakes, the cake can be shipped for $99 and is “good enough to derail the strictest Hollywood diets,” Goldbelly.com reported.

I DON’T WANT TO PAY $99 FOR THE CAKE

I WANT TOM CRUISE TO SEND ME THE CAKE

SEND ME THE CAKE, TOM

I’VE SEEN ALL THE MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE MOVIES

I’VE EVEN DEFENDED MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE II

IN WRITING

THE CAKE

TOM

SEND IT TO ME

In any case, celebrities who have talked up Cruise’s coconut cake generosity include Jimmy Fallon, Henry Cavill and Cobie Smuthers. Rosie O’Donnell once posted a photo of her cake, wrapped in a bow, on Instagram, with the caption “Christmas is here when Tommy’s gift shows up #holidayseason,” Us Weekly reported.

TOM

TOM CRUISE

COME ON

SEND ME THE CAKE

PLEASE

I’M SORRY FOR YELLING

I JUST REALLY WANT IT

I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN

TOM

SEND ME THE CAKE, TOM

I’LL GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS

TOM CRUISE

THE CAKE

ME

SEND

CAKE

TOM

PLEASE

I could really go for a new season of Documentary Now. I could go for a new season of Documentary Now for a bunch of reasons: because there hasn’t been one in a while, because I love it, because I’ve already watched “Juan Likes Rice and Chicken” like 200 times, etc. But since I don’t have a new season to watch yet, and what with it being the Christmas season, I suppose the next best thing I can do is listen to the song “Holiday Party” from the “Co-op” episode.

Have you listened to this song before I do hope you have. I also hope you have not, though, because if you have not listened to it yet that means you get to push play right now and listen to it with fresh ears. What a treat for you! I’m actually kind of jealous because I know what’s coming in the song and it still cracks me up every single time. How could it not Especially when Renee Elise Goldsberry from freaking Hamilton starts singing and it happens again. What a perfect little piece of comedy. A Christmas treat. Watch it right now if you haven’t, before I spoil the surprise in a few paragraphs. Hurry.

You know what Let’s all have some fun this holiday season. Let’s all make a big Christmas playlist with all of our favorite classic numbers on it and then let’s slip this sucker in right in the middle, between… oh, I don’t know… let’s go with between “O Holy Night” and “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” It won’t be quite as fun without a big crowd of people hearing it together and slowly realizing what is happening, but it’s still a little treat for you and whoever is within earshot.

You could also play the long game with it. Listen to it a bunch of times to learn the words, then do it next year at the party and sing along through the first verse like it’s a popular song everyone should know. Really get after it. The goal is for lots of people to be paying attention to you when you get to this part…

… and then you just BELT it out. Hilarious. A little gift from you to you. You’ve earned it.

Prepare to read one of the truest sentences you’ll ever encounter. Here we go.

— capitalism liker (@HumanPog) November 24, 2014

Please listen to the song again. I think, maybe, it never really sunk in for you how brutal these insults are. All of them, top to bottom. Imagine someone saying any of them about you. Imagine someone saying any of them to your face. Because someone saying like “you’re an ugly piece of trash” is bad, yes, sure, of course, but “your brain is full of spiders” and “your heart is full of unwashed socks” are hurtful. The specificity of it all. They really put some thought into those. They hate you so much they really sat down to craft an insult. That’s an entirely different level.

The worst ones are in the very last verse, though. They never really jumped out at me until I saw them in print. Here, let me show you what I mean via blockquote.

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch

With a nauseous super “naus”!

You’re a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Mr. Grinch

You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

I don’t know what exactly “a nauseous super naus” is but it sure sounds rough. Probably how you’d feel after chasing a bowl of chocolate ice cream with a tall glass of orange juice. But the real killer is the “crooked dirty jockey” line, partially because he’s implying that, if you were a jockey, you would be the kind that cheats, and partially because he’s dragging your poor horse into it for no reason at all. I don’t even know what he means by “crooked hoss.” Is he saying your horse can’t run straight or that the horse is a cheater, too Pretty bad either way. That horse never did anything to anyone. Probably. Unless the cheating thing is true.

Anyway, I guess this is also your reminder that this song is performed by a man whose name is Thurl Ravenscroft. You can look it up and everything.