A Simple Question: Do You Think Cousin Greg From ‘Succession’ Can Dunk A Basketball?

It’s a simple question, really: Do you think Cousin Greg — the sweet, lanky, awkward Roy-adjacent boy from Succession — can dunk a basketball It shouldn’t require too much thought. A simple yes or no will do. And yet, here I am, after months — not an exaggeration — of debating both sides of the issue in my head, writing it up and presenting it to you. It’s my last hope. I have, at various times in various moments, convinced myself completely that both options are correct. It’s honestly becoming a problem. I have other things to do. Paperwork is piling up on my desk while my brain cranks itself into a smoking lump of ooze. That doesn’t even make sense. Ooze forms in pools, not lumps. This situation has ruined me.

It’s not even the first time I’ve debated the hoops prowess of characters on the show. I wrote a whole manifesto just last year about how good I thought each character was at basketball. I stand by almost everything I said then, but especially the things I wrote about Greg, who I ranked ninth for the reasons explained in this blockquote.

Toughest entry on the list. My sweet boy is very, very tall, and younger than just about anyone else on the show. He has all the physical advantages one could want. On the other hand, he is hilariously uncoordinated and passive and appears to be developing a secret cocaine habit. I’ve been trying so hard to envision a scenario where he can be a contributing member of a basketball team but every time I start to get there I see him tripping and falling on a fast break because he somehow got his shoes tied together in the middle of the previous play.

Still, he ranks this high because there is a bubbling rage inside that gangly body and we simply cannot rule out the possibility that he plays with the intensity of Kevin Garnett in the brief spells between him falling like a whirling cyclone of arms and legs.

Do you see what I mean here Do you see why this is killing me Both possibilities are reasonable. If the show would settle this once and for all — please, even just one line of dialogue confirming he can dunk or explaining that he can’t, for me, for my deeply troubled soul — I would happily accept whatever they put forth. I would put this issue to bed for good. This is a lie. I would not. Especially if they say he can dunk. Because then I would need to see it. It would tear me apart. But we’ll cross that shaky rope bridge when we get to it.

Below, I will lay out the case for and against Cousin Greg being able to dunk. We will really get into it. But first, I need to be clear about three things:

Okay, here we go.

The case for this breaks down as follows:

All fair points. But this brings us to…

The case here is also strong and looks like this:

Come on.

Here’s the closest I’ve come to a solution, only because it feels right: I think Cousin Greg has dunked a basketball a few times, but only when he’s alone, and he’s tried and failed to replicate it numerous times in front of other people or on video, with the end result being that no one believes him. I’m going to stick with that until the show gives me a firm answer one way or the other. It’s part of my general life philosophy: When presented with two equally appealing alternatives, choose the one that is funniest.