Various Artists: An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn

When the folks behind Joe Eszterhas' terrible, terrible new movie couldn't secure the songs originally planned for its soundtrack, the writer responsible for such notable films as Jade, Showgirls, Basic Instinct, Sliver, Nowhere To Run, Flashdance, F.I.S.T., and Big Shots took out an ad asking unsigned bands to submit their work. According to Eszterhas, he then spent 12 hours a day for one month listening to the 9,200 entries he received. It can only be concluded, then—based on this 12-song soundtrack "featuring the best unknown bands in the world"—that either most of the musical talent on earth has already found a home somewhere, or Eszterhas has terrible taste in music. Most of the selections on Burn Hollywood Burn are just the poor, bar-band works of musicians whose live set probably includes a good number of Eagles and Jimmy Buffett covers. But some, such as "Holly Should" by Steve Nelson, are actively terrible. The grating "I Wanna Be Mike Ovitz," performed by Magic Kingdom, is notable for being the first songwriting collaboration between Eszterhas and Gary G-Wiz, a fact that suggests there was a little more at work assembling this collection than simply picking the cream of the submitted crop. It's also curious that a significant percentage of the "best unknown bands in the world" would submit tired-sounding songs about the world of Los Angeles. If you're looking to seek out great, unheard music, this convenient package is not the place to start. The movie it accompanies is pretty shitty, too.